Motorist makes essential journey to Burger King

A MOTORIST has insisted he complied with weather warnings because his trip to Burger King was essential. 

Nathan Muir of Norwich admitted that he did consider the possibility that conditions could leave him stranded or injured, but his need for a Bacon Double XL meant that he had no option. 

He continued: “It’s six miles. I passed two cars in ditches, one that had skidded into a lamp-post, and a McDonald’s. 

“It was pretty hairy driving. I don’t know why some of these idiots were out. Hadn’t they seen the news? 

“I finally made it and I didn’t even do drive-thru. I went inside, shook the snow off, and treated myself to onion rings as well, given what I’d been through. 

“Getting back took an hour. Traffic was crawling. Visibility was about 15 feet. I managed to get home and just sat slumped in the car, the relief coming off me in waves. 

“I’m not looking forward to tomorrow, when I’ve got to pick up these trainers from JD Sports.” 

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Couple who bought house in arse end of nowhere convincing themselves it’s a 'really great place to live'

A COUPLE who bought a house in an affordable-but-shit area are trying to convince themselves it’s great.

Francesca Johnson and partner Martin Bishop recently purchased a house in a semi-industrial purgatory called Lubton Bishop and have been trying very hard to make the best of it, even though the view from their living room window is of an chemical plant.

Johnson said: “Most people can’t get on the property ladder at all and we’ve had the good fortune to snap up this one-and-a-half bedroom fixer upper ‘project home’ for just a quarter of a million pounds.

“You can’t find it on a map, but it’s sort of between Luton and Stevenage, so still puts Martin within reach of his job in London with a commute of just three short hours, on a good day.

“And I’m lucky enough to stay home with the baby, which gives me plenty of time to scrape the mould off the walls and phone the police when kids set the hedge on fire.”

Bishop added: “It’s really up-and-coming. There’s a funky little independent shop called ‘Londis’ where they sell quirky things like newspapers and crisps.

“Really, we love it. Honestly. I promise.”