Motorists form orderly queues within marked lanes in bank holiday traffic chaos

BANK holiday traffic chaos has hit the UK, with tens of thousands of motorists following each other in neat lines at low speed while obeying all laws of the road. 

Observers struggled to describe the absolute mayhem on motorways into Cornwall and the Lake District, where cars moved slowly and maintained a safe distance from one another while not beeping their horns.

Joanna Kramer of Bristol said: “I’ve never seen anything like it, apart from a car park.

“Nobody can make sense of the pandemonium they’re seeing on the roads today, where volume of traffic has reduced speed while actually, if anything, diminishing confusion and the risk of collisions.

“It is total chaos. Please, if you value your safety, stay indoors.”

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Closest Earth-like planet best hope of getting on property ladder

FIRST-TIME buyers have been urged to start looking at buying property on Proxima B.

Estate agents who believe the newly discovered Earth-like planet presents young professionals with their best chance to get on the property ladder are anticipating fierce competition for desirable spots on its barren surface.

Estate agent Emma Bradford said: “Proxima B is the new Hoxton.

“Just a modest 4.2 light year commute from central London, it boasts a wonderful natural rock surface and average temperatures of around minus 40 degrees, which compares well to Glasgow.

“You can get an impressive two acres of molten rock for a very reasonable price and you’ll get so used to clouds of cyanide gases venting into your home you’ll wonder how you managed without them.

“But the time to act is now. If you wait to buy until the first probe lands you’re already too late.”

Wayne Hayes said: “We did a bit of reading about the area and apparently one side of the planet is shrouded in perpetual darkness, so location is important to us.

“In the end we’ve put in an offer on a crater that looks like a fixer-upper, but were gazumped by an hyperintelligent colony of living silicate from Alpha Centuri who wants it for his buy-to-let portfolio.”