Audience at darts tournament have no idea there's a darts tournament going on

THE MAJORITY of the crowd at the Perth Masters darts tournament have no idea that there is a darts tournament being played, they have confirmed.

Less than ten per cent of the thousand-strong crowd knew that a competitive darting event was taking place in the venue that they were drinking in even among those who had placed bets on it.

Attendee Stephen Malley said: “I fucking love the darts.

“The booze, the chips, the rough birds, the dressing up as pantomime horses and dancing along to the chorus of Chelsea Dagger every five minutes. It’s a brilliant laugh.

“I did stagger out in front of a fat bloke throwing arrows before, having lost my way coming back from the bar, but I don’t think they were professionals. Not using language like that.

“Who was the winner on the night? Probably the bloke dressed as Big Bird who was getting off with the girl dressed as a garden gnome. He looked well in.

“The tournament winner? I’m sorry. I don’t know what you mean.”

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NHS to go underground by 2020

THE NHS will be an illegal underground network of flooded black-market hospitals manned by sinister masked surgeons by 2020, it has emerged. 

In less than four years most routine operations will be performed in filthy, abandoned hospitals with flickering lighting in theatres with writing on the walls in blood, according to draft reports.

An NHS spokesman said: “Hospitals are expensive, but deserted hospitals staffed only by menacing nurses with hidden faces and unnatural, jerky movements represent a significant saving.

“Failing hospitals will be renamed things like Hell’s Acres and Poison Hill next year in preparation for the move, and then they’ll be mysteriously put into permanent quarantine from 2018 with rumours that the living were boarded up inside.

“By 2020 there won’t be an minor surgery performed that isn’t in a room covered in black mould to the sound of demented giggling and children singing distant nursery rhymes in a bricked-up basement.”

The move follows proposals that GPs must perform unethical experiments designed to create a new race of inhumans on 20 per cent of their patients or risk losing funding.