Siberian wind will strip away your layers of tawdry self-delusion, says Met Office

A BITING wind from the haunted Siberian wasteland will expose the lies you tell yourself, the Met Office has confirmed.

Forecasters said the unrelenting wind will search deep inside you, burrowing into you and uncovering the shame that corrodes your soul, as temperatures drop to -11, making the UK colder than St Petersburg.

A Met Office spokesman said: “You cannot hide from it. Even if you shelter behind closed doors, you will hear its whisper and it will say ‘I know who you are’.”

The spokesman added: “Stand naked in the street and let the wind rush through you, cleansing and restoring you. Tearing you to pieces and rebuilding a magnificently honest version of you.

“And as it uncovers you, stripping away at your shabby, pointless and ultimately self-defeating facade, you will at last feel truly free.

“Particularly those in central and northern Scotland.”