Swan reveals bone-breaking technique

BRITAIN’S most aggressive swan has explained the mysterious technique that allows his species to break your arm or leg.

He also sells pills and stolen electrical equipment

Swan Stephen Malley, dubbed ‘Mr Asbo’, has been moved from his home in Cambridge to a secret ‘safe pond’ after negotiating a deal with police to reveal his species’ much-discussed but seemingly implausible bone-breaking ability.

He said: “It’s actually not that hard. The secret is to stand on your opponent’s hand or foot, then whip your head down onto the limb like a club.

“You should then hear a satisfying splintery crunch.”

Malley, who claims he once took four otters and a pike at once, said: “There is a common misconception that this techique involves wings. But you want to keep your wings folded up and out of the way.

“Wings are no use in a combat situation. You’re all about beak and feet.

“I can show you some other shit if you like. Pecks to secret pressure points, that sort of thing.”

Malley is to demonstrate the technique on Danny Dyer’s forthcoming television series Britain’s Hardest Wildfowl.

A spokesman for the show said: “Danny’s arm snaps like a Twiglet. If you thought swans were just massive ducks, prepare to think again.”