Swan reveals bone-breaking technique

BRITAIN’S most aggressive swan has explained the mysterious technique that allows his species to break your arm or leg.

Swan Stephen Malley, dubbed ‘Mr Asbo’, has been moved from his home in Cambridge to a secret ‘safe pond’ after negotiating a deal with police to reveal his species’ much-discussed but seemingly implausible bone-breaking ability.

He said: “It’s actually not that hard. The secret is to stand on your opponent’s hand or foot, then whip your head down onto the limb like a club.

“You should then hear a satisfying splintery crunch.”

Malley, who claims he once took four otters and a pike at once, said: “There is a common misconception that this techique involves wings. But you want to keep your wings folded up and out of the way.

“Wings are no use in a combat situation. You’re all about beak and feet.

“I can show you some other shit if you like. Pecks to secret pressure points, that sort of thing.”

Malley is to demonstrate the technique on Danny Dyer’s forthcoming television series Britain’s Hardest Wildfowl.

A spokesman for the show said: “Danny’s arm snaps like a Twiglet. If you thought swans were just massive ducks, prepare to think again.”

 

 

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Jordan’s hand in marriage to avert war

PEOPLE’S princess Jordan has agreed to marry Argentinian Leandro Penna to prevent war between his country and the British Empire.

The timeless beauty, who holds a cherished place in every true Englishman’s heart, agreed to the union as the shadow of war with Argentina loomed once more over our great nation.

Jordan will marry Penna, the playboy hero of his country, in a lavish ceremony this summer and is expected to birth an heir in 2013. In exchange for the union, the Argentinians will drop all claims to ownership and oil rights of the Falklands.

It will be Jordan’s third marriage of convenience. Her wedding to Australian prince Peter Andre in 2005, in a lavish ceremony watched by a global audience of millions, was arranged by Prime Minister Tony Blair in return for favourable bauxite import tariffs.

There followed a betrothal to the Queen’s knight Alex Reid when he won her hand after displaying exceptional valour at a mixed martial arts tourney.

Sussex­-born Jordan, an icon of graceful womanhood the world over, will now enter a period of seclusion while her breasts are remodelled to be ‘as large as the udders of a Pampas heifer, and as tall and proud as the Andes,’ in accordance with her husband-­to­-be’s wishes.

She said: “The country’s good must come before my own happiness. I do what I do for England and St George.

“My only regret is that I shall never again gaze on my one true love, Dane Bowers from Another Level.”