TRYING to relax in wonderful sunshine but instead just irritated? It’s because high temperatures have these unfortunate side-effects:
The sound of flip flops
The metronomic sucking sound of flip flops slapping against bare feet is always exasperating, but now everyone’s in them there’s no escaping it. And these relaxed hang-loose ugly-toed bastards have no idea how bloody infuriating they are.
Rub on all the antiperspirant you want, park your perspiring bulk next to a full-speed fan; you’re still going to be gushing from your armpits, back, and the crook of your knees. The sooner scientists discover how to convert us into cold-blooded lizard people the better.
Just as leaves turning red indicate that autumn has started, parks filled with crumpled beer cans and disposable BBQs are a tell-tale sign that a heatwave has begun. So wonderfully carefree and summery, leaving all your shit on the beach and pissing off home.
Attractive people wearing too little
Before everyone had a digital porn window on them all the time this was a positive. But now, scantily-clad hotties frolicking in the sun are just another reminder that you’re a 4 /10 and slowly succumbing to the inevitable ravages of time. Lock yourself indoors until October when they’ll all look great in lumpy knitwear.
It was fine, being allowed to see people in your garden when it was too cold to do so. But now the sun’s out every mother complaining about lumpy coleslaw or friend whinging about yet another failed relationship is hanging out, forcing their inane chatter into your ears. Try to stop yourself pressing ‘mute’ on their faces.