Winter enters 18th fucking month

WINTER has entered its 18th consecutive fucking month, the Met Office has confirmed. 

With sleet, rain and snow forecast for the weekend, meteorologists have admitted that the weather is so cold that it has frozen time itself, with no thaw in sight.

A Met Office spokesman said: “It’s March now, but that’s just what we call the month. It makes no difference to it still being winter.

“The time dilation effect caused by the absolute brass-bollock weather we’re suffering means that winter has gone on forever and will continue to go on forever, until all we can remember is winter.

“Occasionally it will merely piss it down while not being absolutely freezing, and we’ll all be pathetically grateful for two days before it returns to being utterly foul with an Arctic wind.”

Martin Bishop of Cleveland said: “We’re British. Winter is the only season we deserve.”

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Are you drunk in the office?

ARE you just having a bit of a relaxed morning in the office, or have you inadvertently rolled into work blind drunk? Take our quiz to find out. 

You’ve just arrived at work, and are heading to the canteen for breakfast. Do you order:

A) A healthy bowl of porridge and a cup of tea.

B) Six cheese toasties, a bacon sandwich, a sausage sandwich and four cups of coffee, all consumed in the canteen as if you were at an all-night caff.

Are you wearing:

A) Standard business attire?

B) The same standard business attire that you wore yesterday and have clearly slept in?

You’ve forgotten your password. Does this trigger:

A) A mild complaint to colleagues about the bloody ridiculous levels of security in this place.

B) A ten-minute long, unhinged rant to colleagues about how passwords are one of the greatest scourges of modern life and one day you’ll be locked out of your own house because you can’t remember if it’s an ‘O’ or an ‘0’.

It’s lunchtime. Do you:

A) Nip to the nearby Sainsbury’s for a sandwich and to pick up something special for dinner later.

B) Nip to the nearby Sainsbury’s for six cans which you shotgun in the loading dock to chase your approaching hangover.

You nip to the toilet. Do you:

A) Swiftly urinate, wash your hands, check your reflection and head back to the working world refreshed.

B) Lean your forehead on the cool tiles above the urinal while letting loose a long, gutteral sigh of relief, then remain that way for a few minutes after your bladder has emptied.

Finally you’ve made it to the end of a long day. Do you:

A) Wish your colleagues goodbye and head home, looking forward to a glass or two of prosecco with your partner later.

B) Vomit into a bin.


Mostly As: Congratulations! You are very probably not drunk in the office, or are ‘styling it out’.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations! You’re pissed in the office and not even trying to hide it. The day will pass quicker and you’ll find it easier to make key decisions.