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Woman attempts to shag autumn

A WOMAN is so in love with autumn she has attempted to take it home and f**k it, concerned friends have confirmed. 

Hannah Tomlinson, aged 27, is so enraptured by the season’s cosy ambience, dappled golden sunlight, clear days and lengthening twilights she headed to the local woods to seduce it.

She said: “Summer is all showy and needy, winter is cold and distant, but autumn is the perfect balance of moody, mysterious and fertile. Keats wrote an ode to autumn, clearly as a prelude to full penetrative sex.

“I just feel if I could tempt it back to my place for a few maple-laced bourbons then we’d naturally take our relationship to the next level. Then I’d have autumn all year round.

“Not everyone understands. The police found me exposing my nether regions to that crisp autumnal breeze, whispering sweet nothings about Halloween and brown suede jackets, apparently preparing to misuse a conker.

“My friend Amber picked me up from the station. She’s been quite encouraging. She said this wasn’t the most parasocial of my recent relationships.”

Autumn said: “Oh, she’ll be all over me until Christmas and then her Insta will be all cuddling up to that ostentatious f**ker.”

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Why celebrities with musical training on Strictly are massive f**king cheats, by Nikki Hollis, aged 47

Nikki is a mother of three who still has a bad knee from a Zumba class in 2016

EVERY year, there’s one. Sneaking onto Strictly, the joy of the autumn, ruining my Saturday nights with my Echo Falls and my post-divorce unshared share bag of Maltesers. 

They try to hide it when they can. The actor who, it turns out, did six years on Broadway. The athlete who started out a ballet dancer. The EastEnders star with a hit single in Japan. Phonies.

Last year they insulted us with Shayne Ward, that lad from JLS and the actress who’d been in Cats and Grease. The year before it was a West End star. They’re taking the f**king piss.

Yes, it’s not as blatant as Rachel Stevens in 2008, but come on. It’s meant to be about normal celebrities, like newsreaders who’ve forgotten they have legs or ex-rugby lads clomping around like it’s scrum practice. If you can do the splits without a distant tearing noise and an intimate medical emergency, you shouldn’t be allowed near.

The worst bit? The judges act shocked every week, like they weren’t aware this ‘amateur’ was in Hamilton, cooing ‘what a transformation!’ Yes, from trained dancer in front of a live audience to trained dancer in front of a live audience and on TV.

Meanwhile some tubby cow from an 80s drama you half-recall is sweating through a foxtrot like she’s doing a bleep test in stilettos. Her partner won’t f**k her and the public haven’t taken to her. Now that’s the real Strictly. 

Don’t get me started on the sob stories. ‘I want to make my mum proud’, says a woman with three Olivier Awards. And don’t give me ‘it’s only light entertainment’. It’s not light to me, mate. I’ve invested thirteen weeks of Saturdays in this. My f**kbuddies aren’t happy.

Oh, they all seem plausibly inept thus far. But there’ll be one. I don’t trust that Emmerdale actor. He’s too smooth a mover.

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