'You f**king beauty,' say birds as convertible is parked under tree

A FLOCK of birds has gleefully anticipated the treat to come as a middle-aged man parked his convertible car beneath their tree. 

The birds were doing their best to keep their excited chirping and their bowels under control while the metallic-blue convertible, top down, parked under a nearby sycamore.

As the driver, a man in a suit with Ray-Ban shades and a receding hairline, headed towards a nearby conference centre the birds shifted impatiently from foot-to-foot on their branches while awaiting their moment.

Starling Roy Hobbs said: “Right twatting under. You absolute fucking blinder.

“He’s almost in, he’s just checking back on his pride-and-bloody-joy and oh you poor bastard, have we got a surprise for you. Christ I’m clenched here.

“Alright everyone, after your first run over to the bushes and load up on berries, the purple ones. Hell of a stain they leave on leather.

“Okay, this is not a drill, go go go, you have your targets. Let’s fuck that motor up.”

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Butchers waxing lyrical about what wonderful lives the animals led before they were killed for you

MEAT suppliers are falling over each other to rhapsodise about how happy and fulfilled their livestock were before being slaughtered to please you. 

From fancy butchers to supermarkets, an enchanting picture of joyous free-range grass-fed gambols in sunlit fields is painted right up until the moment the big trucks arrived to the farm.

Carolyn Ryan, from Colchester, said: “Apparently this lamb led a life of absolute pampered bliss right until I, basically, ordered its execution.

“On the one hand at least it was happy. On the other that kind of makes me the bad guy? And now I’m going to eat it?

“I don’t want chickens that were dancing around the barnyard doing impromptu musical numbers. I want my meat miserable.”

Posh Ludlow butcher Norman Steele said: “This lovely cut of aged York ham comes from a year-old pig called Blackie, who was ever so friendly and used to snuffle acorns from your hand.

“He was almost like a person. It’s £60 for the whole shoulder.”