A five day meal plan for your £5.22 food box, by a patronising wanker

BEEN given a fiver’s worth of food to last a child a week? Let me Julian Cook, a sneering contemptuous pedant who defends the government at every turn, explain how: 

Monday: Dry cheese sandwich

One delicious, filling meal that jumps out immediately is a hearty cheese sandwich on unbuttered white bread. Nutritionally balanced and full of natural goodness, this traditional British meal will provide your children with all the energy they need for the day. Throw in a banana, that exotic post-war treat, if they’ve been particularly well-behaved.

Tuesday: Jacket potato and beans

What’s next for our junior gourmets? A jacket potato with a tin of Heinz poured over the top. Tear pre-sliced cheddar into strips for an artisanal grated cheese. Flavourful and filling, a builder could work a whole afternoon on this so these little layabouts can have no complaint.

Wednesday: Carrot wrap and Soreen bar

By Wednesday it’s time to make use of that generous, government-funded loaf of white bread again, this time with an experimental delicacy called a carrot wrap. Simply curl a slice around the carrot and consume, ideal to eat on-the-go. Followed with a Soreen bar, because kids deserve treats.

Thursday: Pasta ’n’ Frube

Real pasta? They don’t know they’re born. When I was their age we only had spaghetti hoops. Boil the pasta, squeeze the tomato over it to recreate pomodoro sauce, and add the red berry and peach Frube for texture. That’s the kind of dish they serve to Kate Moss at The Ivy.

Friday: Apple surprise

Growing children need their five-a-day, so get a head start by providing three whole apples for lunch. If they don’t like it, encourage them to swap with wealthier kids who can spare a few of their curly fries. Learning how to network is essential if they’re ever to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

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Shit band that will never play Europe up in arms about Brexit visa rules

AN atrocious band that will never play further away than the neighbouring county are outraged by Brexit visa rules stopping musicians touring Europe.

Kosmische Explosionen, a Krautrock-funk band from Coventry, are distraught that prohibitive bureaucracy will prevent a seven-day tour of EU countries that would never, ever happen.

Bassist and lyricist Ryan Whittaker said: “Well, there goes our stardom down the shitter. We’d be massive in Lithuania and Slovenia, if only they knew we existed.

“Now they’ll never jam out to our genre fusion, never appreciate our incredible musical prowess, never make us the biggest Midlands-based psyche-rock surrealists since The Deep Freeze Mice.

“It’s a real shame because down our local, back when there were gigs, the audiences didn’t comprehend our sensitive songs of melancholy and ennui. In Finland they’d go apeshit for them.

“Boris, the subject of our 13-minute epic Cryptofacist Bigfoot, should open up Europe to powerful new musical forces like ourselves. Britain’s creatives are its greatest strength.”

Mum Judy Whittaker, whose garage Kosmische Explosionen rehearse in, said: “The one unequivocal benefit of Brexit to the EU is that they don’t have to hear that shit.”