My ideal lockdown, by Priti Patel
IF I’ve got one complaint about lockdowns, it’s that they give people far too much personal freedom. My dream lockdown would be:
No leaving your bedroom
Allowing citizens to roam freely through their homes encourages adventurous, deviant thoughts. In my political Bible, Nineteen Eighty-Four, all Britons remain in one room watching government propaganda while pacified with gin. It’s a kind of utopia. We’re halfway there.
Make exercise illegal
With no exercise permitted, people will soon be too unfit to contemplate civil disobedience. Luckily many have already abandoned their home gyms and will soon be feeble, docile blob-people. Joe Wicks would be an enemy of the people and a fugitive.
Microchip trackers with remote detonators
The obvious way to stop people making unnecessary journeys, for example anything outside a once-weekly shopping trip along a designated route to buy basic provisions, is to track their every step. If an insurgent steps two paces off the path, their heads explode.
Officially to catch reprobates breaking the rules on support bubbles, but lets police spot early signs of radicalisation such as supporting Amnesty International, watching Channel 4, reading books or talking.
Shoot-to-kill in the seasonal aisle
There’s nothing more guaranteed to stop people dithering by the Easter eggs than a bullet from a Royal Marine sniper.
Renounce your family
Sever all ties with your family, friends and children over 18. Your affection for each other is an infection risk and breeds empathy, understanding and even kindness. From now on they are dead to you.
To be perfectly honest this wouldn’t do much to stop Covid, it’s just a bonus.