My ideal lockdown, by Priti Patel

IF I’ve got one complaint about lockdowns, it’s that they give people far too much personal freedom. My dream lockdown would be: 

No leaving your bedroom

Allowing citizens to roam freely through their homes encourages adventurous, deviant thoughts. In my political Bible, Nineteen Eighty-Four, all Britons remain in one room watching government propaganda while pacified with gin. It’s a kind of utopia. We’re halfway there.

Make exercise illegal

With no exercise permitted, people will soon be too unfit to contemplate civil disobedience. Luckily many have already abandoned their home gyms and will soon be feeble, docile blob-people. Joe Wicks would be an enemy of the people and a fugitive.

Microchip trackers with remote detonators

The obvious way to stop people making unnecessary journeys, for example anything outside a once-weekly shopping trip along a designated route to buy basic provisions, is to track their every step. If an insurgent steps two paces off the path, their heads explode.

House-to-house searches

Officially to catch reprobates breaking the rules on support bubbles, but lets police spot early signs of radicalisation such as supporting Amnesty International, watching Channel 4, reading books or talking.

Shoot-to-kill in the seasonal aisle

There’s nothing more guaranteed to stop people dithering by the Easter eggs than a bullet from a Royal Marine sniper.

Renounce your family

Sever all ties with your family, friends and children over 18. Your affection for each other is an infection risk and breeds empathy, understanding and even kindness. From now on they are dead to you.

Suspend democracy

To be perfectly honest this wouldn’t do much to stop Covid, it’s just a bonus.

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'Bridgerton is my wife's porn', says man who has no f**king idea

A MAN who believes the romp-filled period drama Bridgerton is the closest his wife gets to pornography could not be more wrong. 

Joshua and Hannah Hudson have been married for eight years, during which he has erronerously imagined that her erotic fantasies are entirely based on scenes in bodice-ripping dramas or his own prowess as a lover.

He said: “She loves all that corset stuff, guys in frilly shirts politely asking women to dance then placing a hand on the small of her back as she climbs into a carriage. I don’t think she’s ever seen as much shagging as in Bridgerton. 

“Like all women, desire is all about personal connection and she’s not very visual in her tastes, so seeing a couple of hot actors bone by a lake has blown her mind.

“It’s great that there’s something softcore and accessible that she can get into. I’m hoping it’ll give our love life a bit of a boost.”

Hannah said: “Bridgerton made me uncomfortable. All that vanilla sex really drove home to me how depraved the shit I watch online is.

“I don’t want to go into detail. I don’t like thinking about it. Josh thinks there’s a tear in my eye because of the romance, but I’m just mourning the innocence I’ve lost to internet filth.”