Subscribe

Ben & Jerry's to contain bitter conservative truths

THE co-founder of Ben & Jerry’s has quit after discovering every tub of the ice-cream would now contain unpalatable right-wing facts, he has confirmed. 

Jerry Greenfield left the Unilever-owned company after being barred from left-wing social activism and discovering new flavour Make America Grape Again would be launched this week.

A Ben & Jerry’s spokesman said: “We regret the departure of Mr Greenfield, and also regret his hospitalisation after consuming the Alaskan crude oil at the core of our new Drill Baby Drool hot honey ice-cream. But these are our values now.

“Our new range reflects the current political climate and includes Responsible Gum Ownership, bubblegum-flavoured and containing a live .45 cal bullet, and Mass Deporktations barbecue rib ice-cream with chunks of raw pork in.

“Even current flavours will have new additions, like hidden pockets of habanero to remind consumers Mexico is bad or Fox News fox urine. Vile, but Trump supporters love being ripped off for products that will kill them.

“And we haven’t forgotten our overseas customers. Check out our new ‘Eat A Dick, Europe!’ penis-shaped ice-cream bar. Tastes like GI cock!”

Greenfield said: “My dream of fighting the Israeli occupation of Gaza by selling ice-cream is dead. On reflection, it was a bit of a weird dream.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

'No country can do pomp and ceremony for a sex predator like Britain'

IT is fashionable to disparage British traditions, but who among us does not feel a swell of pride as a magnificent Royal carriage dating back to 1902 sweeps by containing a bloated orange pussy-grabber?

Quite simply, no one does pomp and ceremony like us. What other nation could greet a sleazy reality TV groper mired in credible paedophile allegations with a guard of honour of the Household Cavalry, heroes of the Battle of Waterloo?

Or put up the president in Windsor Castle, built by William the Conquerer no less, where he can feel the warp and weft of the vast tapestry of history as he ignores new Epstein revelations suggesting he is not merely a sexual abuser but also a trafficker and nonce?

The naysayers forget that such state visits are a source of pride for every Briton. Is the RAF fly-by not a reminder of how we stood together in World War II? Though Mr Trump believes the US won it alone, as an arrogant Dunning-Kruger dickbag as well as a pervert.

Lesser countries envy the lavish white-tie banquet he will attend, the halls of gilded history echoing to his nonsense about wind turbines as guests wonder who would draw a limbless woman with suspiciously diminutive breasts as a birthday message for a pimp.

Moreover, in the world of realpolitik we have to get along with the US. Not doing so could result in arbitrary tariffs, withdrawn support for Ukraine and Trump’s acolytes stirring up race hate in the UK with ill-informed comments. Admittedly all of these things have happened, but perhaps our fine plumed white horses will stop them.

So ignore leftists who would do away with Britain’s gift for pageantry and focus on the positives: our proud history, the archaic dress uniforms of our armed forces, our many Royal residences. Let us not feel creeped out this is what Trump aspires to.

Yes, for the next two days we celebrate a predator in the grandest fashion possible. While, paradoxically, keeping Prince Andrew well out of sight.

Next story ›