A CAFÉ is to stop faffing around with coffee and instead offer everyone a bump of speed cut with a powerful laxative.
Jack Browne, who runs the artisanal espresso bar in Brighton, has decided to give up messing about with single-origin beans and small batch roasters and just provide his customers with what they actually want.
Browne said: “I’m sick of pretending. What’s the point going on latte art training courses when all people are looking for is something that will get them through a hungover day at work and clear out the bad kebab from last night by 9.30am?
“From now on I’ll be racking up lines of methamphetamine cut with bisacodyl on the counter, and charge £4 a pop. It will have exactly the same effect and be cheaper than a skinny soy milk mocha, or whatever nonsense I’m usually making. Much less washing up too.”
Customer Lucy Parry said: “I was dubious at first, but it turns out that all coffee did for me was wake me up and expedite my morning shit. I didn’t even really like the taste.
“I know I’m just swapping one addiction for another, but at least speed is less wanky than coarse ground cold brew coffee.”
