Couple wondering if friend with allergies is worth the hassle

A COUPLE cannot tell if the pleasure of a friend’s company outweighs the hassle of accommodating his allergies.

Following a particularly fraught dinner party, couple Tom and Charlotte Logan are considering ditching Stephen Malley for his own safety.

Tom Logan said: “We’d invited a few friends around, and on the day Stephen piped up saying he couldn’t eat nuts or beans or something. So that was my nut loaf out the window.

“Suddenly we were scrabbling around the freezer aisle in Sainsbury’s, trying to find something that wouldn’t cause Stephen to die, which would have soured the mood a bit.

“I wouldn’t mind going to the effort for our cooler friends, it’s just that Stephen doesn’t really bring much to the table personality-wise. He can be a bit of a prick actually. One of those people where it always ends up being about him.

“He’s always having a go at me for being on my phone, but if he went into anaphylactic shock he’d expect me to call for an ambulance. It’s that sort of hypocrisy I can’t stand.”

Girlfriend Charlotte added: “I think we need to be more patient with Stephen. Anything that stops Tom from serving his god awful nut loaf can’t be all bad.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'I'm a free spirit' and other ways unreliable twats try to get away with always being late

UNRELIABLE flakes are masters of dodging the blame for their terrible timekeeping. Don’t let them get away with these excuses:

Bringing a gift

Flighty morons will often try to buy away their guilt for being late. They’ll meet you outside a cinema and apologise profusely while brandishing a Doritos grab bag to ‘make up for it’, only for you to notice that they’ve already ripped it open and tucked in. If they hadn’t popped into Spar to get them they’d be on time anyway.

Saying ‘I’m a free spirit’

The term ‘free spirit’ sounds liberating and magical, but it actually means that someone hasn’t got their shit together. Self-described free spirits are fun on a night out and completely useless in the real world. Which is a serious problem because that’s precisely the plane of existence they live on.

Claiming that time is an illusion

This is the go-to excuse for a particular kind of twat who styles themselves on their favourite philosopher, Russell Brand. Time may technically be a human construct, but that is scant consolation when you’re on your third pint alone in the pub because they’re over an hour late. Money’s a construct too, yet they’re strangely uptight about buying a round.

Telling elaborate stories

Some flaky pricks will blithely show up late and instantly start regaling you with stories of their ‘ker-azy’ journey. They’ll say they had an inspiring conversation with their taxi driver about love, helped to reconcile an arguing couple, and even achieved enlightenment in a Whimpy. You, meanwhile, silently got the bus to your agreed destination, for the correct time.

Ignoring it entirely

The most infuriating arseholes will completely fail to acknowledge that they’re an hour and a half late, even though you tried to call them seven times and left dozens of increasingly irritated voice notes. Who’s the real idiot though, them for being constantly late, or you for still being mates with them?