Friday, 6th December 2019

Exorcism casts vegan cheese straight back to hell

VEGAN cheese has been cast back into the hell from which it was spawned from, exorcists have confirmed.

Vegan cheese, which is made from tumble weed, rat's urine and Anne Widdecombe's discarded handkerchiefs, escaped from the realm of Satan in 2007.

Priest, Father Wayne Hayes, said: “I mistakenly threw vegan holy water at first and it just bubbled, cackled and hissed at me.

“Then it shouted 'Your mother sucks Edam in hell,' as well something very nasty involving the c-word which I felt was unnecessary.

“It put up a fight which went on for hours until I screamed, 'the power of cheddar compels you, the power of cheddar compels you', while making a cheese board crucifix of Brie, grapes and a some cream crackers.”