Greggs' vegan sausage roll 'is against the will of the people'

THE introduction of vegan sausage rolls by Greggs could be the last straw for disaffected Northern communities, it has been warned.

The imposition of the meatless, dairy-free pastry product on those who already feel ‘left behind’ by Westminster could lead to civil unrest and sausage riots.

Yorkshire resident Norman Steele said: “The EU referendum didn’t specifically mention sausage rolls, but we certainly didn’t vote for another stab in the back by the metropolitan elite.

“If you talk to ordinary folk they’re just worried about their blandly comforting pork tubes dying out. No one wants to lose their traditional way of sausage.

“Gregg’s shelves are overcrowded as it is. That’s not veganist. We just don’t think soya protein substitute really tastes of anything.”

The government said it was addressing the issue with plans for emergency airlifts of the cheapest sausage rolls that can be found in pork-loving EU states such as Germany.

Remain voter Tom Logan said: “You can’t fight progress. I’d be happy to try exotic sausage rolls made with wild boar or octopus. Anything that makes me feel sophisticated, really.”

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Britain returns to pretending to work

BRITAIN’S workers have returned to staring purposefully at their screens for eight hours.

Productivity is expected to peak briefly at midday when managers finally arrive, mumbling something about traffic.

Office drone Nikki Hollis said: “I might walk around holding a folder to look busy, but then again I am very career orientated.

“I will also avoid going anywhere near the HR department, as they will probably remember that moment during the Christmas party when I called them ‘a bunch of fucking weirdos’.”

Hollis added: “I reckon by Friday I can face actually doing what I’m meant to be doing here. Or, at the very least, remembering what it is.”

Human resources consultant Martin Bishop said: “Most people now use smartphones to idly surf the web while they’re supposed to be working, which means that at this time of year many office staff forget to turn on their computers.

“It only takes a moment and the rest of the day is yours.”