Is fourteen cups of coffee a day too many?

EVERYONE likes a cup of coffee in the morning, and then a further 13 or so at 45-minute intervals throughout the day to quell the shakes, but how many is too many? Take our test…

How many coffees do you have on an average morning?

A) One at home, then maybe another at 11am. Keeps the motor running!
B) I’ve usually had one I don’t clearly remember at 4am, then a strong one when I get up, another before I leave the house, a double-shotter from Costa on the way in, one when I arrive, another, then another, then another, then one with lunch.

Do you own any coffee-themed clothing or merchandise? 

A) I think there’s a ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee!’ sign somewhere on my desk, buried in paper.
B) Just a few T-shirts, all my mugs, my ‘Too Much Coffee Man’ figure on the monitor, my coffee paperweight and the bean tattoo on my left arm. So no more than average.

What name do Starbucks write on your cup? 

A) God, they always get it wrong, don’t they? It’s hilarious!
B) My name. My full name. In seven branches, none of them need to ask.

Have you ever drank so much coffee in a day that you’ve lost control of your bowels? 

A) No. Can that happen? Ew.
B) I visit the toilet every 45 minutes. That’s normal.


Mostly As – You’re drinking a manageable amount of coffee and inflicting a manageable amount of coffee-based humour on others.

Mostly Bs – Caffine is a drug. You’re a hopeless addict. But society sanctions it, so carry on.

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Man sick to death of people disagreeing with him

A MAN has announced that, from now on, people who disagree with him should have the decency to keep it to themselves. 

Tom Booker, aged 33, is sick and tired of sharing his correct opinions with others only for someone to unnecessarily and rudely contradict him as if what they were saying was of equal importance.

He said: “Here are some responses I don’t mind: ‘I agree.’ ‘You’re right.’ I’ll even accept ‘Very interesting,’ as long as it stops there.

“But when I’ve laid out the way it is, whether it’s on Trump, fracking or the best Lethal Weapon film, at least have the basic good manners to accept my view is unassailably true.

“Honestly, this isn’t your university debate society. I don’t need you playing devil’s advocate to hone your arguing skills. Just say I’m right and we can move on and talk about something else I’m right about.

“Life’s too short for other people’s opinions. Have them if you like. Just keep them inside.”

Wife Sophie said: “Agreeing is the quickest way to shut him up. I can confirm.”