Man following recipe on foodie blog just wants the f**king measurements please

A MAN trying to make a basic lasagne from a woman’s blog had to read her entire life story before getting to the actual recipe.

Stephen Malley thought a food blog would be the quickest way to find instructions, but instead found himself scrolling though a seemingly endless number of paragraphs before the word ‘pasta’ was even mentioned.

Malley said: “I always think getting a cookery book out and looking in the index is a massive faff, but it’s a breeze compared to reading through the tedious details this woman has seen fit to include.

“She started with some guff about her Nonna in Italy, before banging on about her childhood and then segueing into a tedious story about wooing her husband with this particular method of cooking mince.

“By the time she’d actually started on the ingredients I’d had enough and decided to put the kettle on for a Pot Noodle instead.

“It hasn’t got any backstory but it took less than a minute and was f**king delicious.”

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What to talk about now you can't go on a lavishly expensive holiday this year

DO you usually base 90 per cent of your conversations around your ludicrously expensive holiday plans? Here’s what to show off about in 2020 instead.

Your massive garden

If you can’t rub it in people’s faces that you’re spending a month in Tuscany this year, bang on about how wonderful your garden is instead. Especially effective if they’re trying to enjoy themselves on a lawn the size of a postage stamp and you throw in a comment about ‘the paddock’.

Your new hot tub

If you can’t get away to a luxury spa on a tranquil Greek island, why not bring the spa to your patio? You’ll find it hard to relax because it’s full of dead wasps and probably germs, but you don’t need to tell anyone that.

Your visits to National Trust properties

Most people join the National Trust so they have access to nice car parks close to the motorway. You joined because you want people to think you’re knowledgeable about landscape gardening when in fact you can’t tell Capability Brown from Charlie Dimmock.

Your staycation plans

At some stage lockdown will ease up enough for you to go on holiday in the UK. Choose somewhere suitably quaint and small like Padstow, where you and 500,000 other visitors can piss off the locals by parking your Range Rover across their drive in your haste to buy some freshly caught scallops for supper.

Your holiday next year

If all else fails, start talking about your holiday plans for 2021 instead. It will bring you comfort to imagine a fortnight in a luxury tree hut on the Serengeti plains, even though in reality you’ll probably be back in lockdown as the fourth coronavirus peak hits.