Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Nation incapable of not eating stockpiled food

BRITONS are physically incapable of having nice food or booze in the house without shoving it down their greedy throats, they have admitted. 

Home stockpiles of biscuits, wine, beer, crisps and chocolate laid in for a possible 14 days of isolation are already severely depleted within days of purchasing.

Martin Bishop of Amersham said: “I’ve hidden food in the shed, under beds, and in the loft but within hours we turn into crazed, hungry animals and go on the hunt for some chocolate Hobnobs.

“I’ve done three stockpiling runs since Thursday. This is like in early December where we buy all the food in for Christmas, then eat it.

“The good news is that we’ve still got loads of dried pasta and rice left. Nobody’s touching that. The bad news is we’ve eaten 48 packets of Quavers since Friday.”