Nation incapable of not eating stockpiled food

BRITONS are physically incapable of having nice food or booze in the house without shoving it down their greedy throats, they have admitted. 

Home stockpiles of biscuits, wine, beer, crisps and chocolate laid in for a possible 14 days of isolation are already severely depleted within days of purchasing.

Martin Bishop of Amersham said: “I’ve hidden food in the shed, under beds, and in the loft but within hours we turn into crazed, hungry animals and go on the hunt for some chocolate Hobnobs.

“I’ve done three stockpiling runs since Thursday. This is like in early December where we buy all the food in for Christmas, then eat it.

“The good news is that we’ve still got loads of dried pasta and rice left. Nobody’s touching that. The bad news is we’ve eaten 48 packets of Quavers since Friday.”

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Queen already bored of kicking around the same old 1,000-room castle

THE Queen has admitted she is already bored wandering around the same old lavish 1820s state apartments again and again. 

Her Majesty has been in Windsor Castle since Thursday and says there is only so long you can look out at the extensive landscape of rolling parkland before you go mad.

She continued:“I feel like a prisoner. And they say I might have to be here for months.

“What’s in this room? Oh, it’s a Van Dyck painting. What’s in the next room? Another bloody Van Dyck painting. I mean come on.

“Philip’s no use – very much focused on the whole Chinese aspect to this pandemic, unsurprisingly – and the grand reception room might be 100ft long but it feels like it’s closing in on me.

“I could go out for a walk in the garden, but it’s only 23 acres. God I wish we’d gone to Balmoral while we had the chance, instead of being locked up in this box.

“Still, at least none of the family can visit.”