Nobody wants to eat cookies baked by a four-year-old

A FOUR-YEAR-OLD has baked cookies that everybody is doing their level best to not actually eat, they have confirmed. 

Ellie Shaw has made the cookies with her own unhygenic hands and now wants adults to eat them even though they saw her pick her nose while stirring the mix.

Mum Sarah said: “Mummy doesn’t want a cookie right now, sweetheart! I’ll put it here for later on when you’ve gone to bed, okay?

“No seriously nobody eat them. She went to the loo halfway through and I know she says she washed her hands, but I didn’t hear the tap running.

“Plus she got bored of stirring  so there’s pockets of pure powder in there. And you can’t get caught spitting it into the sink because she’ll cry.

“Just put them to one side and I’ll smuggle them into the bin later while she’s watching Teen Titans Go. You don’t want these in your mouth. Trust me.”

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Six ways to spend your last weekend in the EU

BRITAIN leaves the EU once and for all on Friday, never to look back and never to return. So how are you spending your final weekend as a European? 

Trawling European capitals desperately trying to meet a romantic partner to love, marry and get EU citizenship from before the portcullis of freedom slams down. Many Germans basically view love as a contractual transaction, so start there.

Getting hit by a car in Portugal, dragged behind a moving train in Spain and having all your injuries treated by the French healthcare system, free of charge and without any annoying paperwork.

Doing the EU28 pub crawl where you have a pint in every European capital, beginning with a swift one in Dublin and finishing by soiling yourself in triumph on the streets of Athens. From now on it’ll only be the EU27 and you can call anyone doing it a lightweight.

Jeering at the border of Albania, mocking its citizens with taunts like ‘You’re not in the world’s largest trading bloc!’ and ‘You’re a Mickey Mouse economy!’ before being on the receiving end of such taunts next week.

Trying to find someone, anyone in the EU who will say they’ll miss Britain when we leave. Will take well into next week and still be unsuccessful.

Staying home and enjoying the warm, soothing feeling of not having been at war with any of our continental neighbours for 75 years.  Enjoying it while it lasts.