Non-vegans demand vegetables made out of meat

CARNIVORES have demanded special fake vegetables made out of meat after seeing the variety of plant-based sausages, bacon and beef available.

The production of vegan burgers that bleed, vegan bacon that can be fried and tofu chicken that tastes of nothing at all just like the real thing has prompted non-vegans to request a quid pro quo.

Meat-eater Norman Steele said: “I can’t eat vegetables for the moral reason that I don’t like how they taste.

“But what people don’t realise is that’s endangering my health and making me look bad in front of attractive young waitresses in the Harvester, so it’s my turn for the fake shit.

“I want an aubergine that’s really a chorizo, a bunch of ham carrots, lamb peas and lettuce leaves made of wafer-thin turkey. For starters.

“And make them proper. I don’t want any of that Heston Blumenthal crap. If it can’t fool my GP, they need to go back and start again.”

Food scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “There would be no benefit whatsoever to doing this. But it’ll sell, so fine.”

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Idiot bans his kids from playing Xbox

A FATHER who banned his children from playing Xbox cannot believe how much work he has made for himself, he has admitted. 

Tom Booker hit his two children with the tough punishment of no Xbox for the whole weekend last night, and by lunchtime today was already trying to find a way of rescinding his ruling as a ‘reward’.

He said: “Oh sure, it sounded good, and the shocked looks on their little faces were worth it at the time, but all I really did was make my life much fucking harder for no reason.

“Normally it’s breakfast, quick chat about whatever, then they’re on Minecraft and I’m putting on my football bets for the weekend then catching them again at lunch. Happy families.

“But this morning they finished their Cheerios and just sat there blankly, then made me play a board game with them like I was the dad in the advert for the board game.

“Then they got the craft stuff out, glue and glitter and the bloody works, and I had to sit there cutting up cornflakes boxes while they made inane chatter with me about school and their friends and the rest. I can’t do another day of this.”

Daughter Daisy said: “It’s been really great, grinding Dad down by spending quality time with him. I can’t wait to level up by breaking his spirit entirely.”