Friday, 6th December 2019

Non-vegans demand vegetables made out of meat

CARNIVORES have demanded special fake vegetables made out of meat after seeing the variety of plant-based sausages, bacon and beef available.

The production of vegan burgers that bleed, vegan bacon that can be fried and tofu chicken that tastes of nothing at all just like the real thing has prompted non-vegans to request a quid pro quo.

Meat-eater Norman Steele said: “I can’t eat vegetables for the moral reason that I don’t like how they taste.

“But what people don’t realise is that’s endangering my health and making me look bad in front of attractive young waitresses in the Harvester, so it’s my turn for the fake shit.

“I want an aubergine that’s really a chorizo, a bunch of ham carrots, lamb peas and lettuce leaves made of wafer-thin turkey. For starters.

“And make them proper. I don’t want any of that Heston Blumenthal crap. If it can’t fool my GP, they need to go back and start again.”

Food scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “There would be no benefit whatsoever to doing this. But it’ll sell, so fine.”