Friday, 4th December 2020

Overnight oats, and five other foods for awful people

CONSIDER yourself too good for normal meals because you read the recipes in The Guardian? Then you’ll love these needlessly complicated versions of basic food. 

Overnight oats

Requires you to faff around the night before when you just want to go to bed. Ideally the oats should be mixed with fairly poncey ingredients, eg. cashew milk, blueberries, raw honey. Better still, stop being a wanker and just have some Ready Brek.

Buckwheat waffles

Anything calling itself a waffle that isn’t made of pulped potato by Captain Birdseye should be ashamed of itself. The growing fondness for American-style waffles is a national tragedy, but making them out of worthy buckwheat instead of cheap white flour should only be excusable if rationing returns.

Multi-coloured carrots

Middle-class and want to seem quirky? Then you’ll almost certainly have bought some purple carrots from Waitrose that taste exactly like regular carrots but are three times the price. They’re for the same show-offs who buy those weird, tiny, knobbly pumpkins for Halloween.

Quail’s eggs

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror if you’re the kind of person who goes to a farmer’s market to buy the eggs of obscure poultry. If your breakfast includes a quail egg ‘scramble’ on spelt bread, you’re making life far too complicated for yourself.

Savoury crepes

If you go through the process of making crepes and decide to cover them in anything other than Nutella, you’re losing your grip on reality. Electing to put some mushrooms into a dessert to make it fancy and savoury is a sure-fire way of killing off any remaining joy in your life.

Anything ‘deconstructed’

Oh, you’ve taken some perfectly serviceable food and decided to ruin it? Well fantastic, you Heston Blumenthal wannabe. Instead of ‘beef and offal puree on a shard of pastry topped with ale foam’, why don’t you just have a steak and kidney pie and stop wasting everyone’s time?