Overnight oats, and five other foods for awful people

CONSIDER yourself too good for normal meals because you read the recipes in The Guardian? Then you’ll love these needlessly complicated versions of basic food. 

Overnight oats

Requires you to faff around the night before when you just want to go to bed. Ideally the oats should be mixed with fairly poncey ingredients, eg. cashew milk, blueberries, raw honey. Better still, stop being a wanker and just have some Ready Brek.

Buckwheat waffles

Anything calling itself a waffle that isn’t made of pulped potato by Captain Birdseye should be ashamed of itself. The growing fondness for American-style waffles is a national tragedy, but making them out of worthy buckwheat instead of cheap white flour should only be excusable if rationing returns.

Multi-coloured carrots

Middle-class and want to seem quirky? Then you’ll almost certainly have bought some purple carrots from Waitrose that taste exactly like regular carrots but are three times the price. They’re for the same show-offs who buy those weird, tiny, knobbly pumpkins for Halloween.

Quail’s eggs

You need to take a long, hard look at yourself in the mirror if you’re the kind of person who goes to a farmer’s market to buy the eggs of obscure poultry. If your breakfast includes a quail egg ‘scramble’ on spelt bread, you’re making life far too complicated for yourself.

Savoury crepes

If you go through the process of making crepes and decide to cover them in anything other than Nutella, you’re losing your grip on reality. Electing to put some mushrooms into a dessert to make it fancy and savoury is a sure-fire way of killing off any remaining joy in your life.

Anything ‘deconstructed’

Oh, you’ve taken some perfectly serviceable food and decided to ruin it? Well fantastic, you Heston Blumenthal wannabe. Instead of ‘beef and offal puree on a shard of pastry topped with ale foam’, why don’t you just have a steak and kidney pie and stop wasting everyone’s time?

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Professor Chris Whitty's guide to dating

HELLO. Professor Chris Whitty here. Here is my foolproof advice for pulling the birds, in the form of a slideshow presentation. First slide please.


Forget fancy restaurants and expensive displays of affection and invest your money in the latest version of Microsoft Powerpoint instead. Your date will swoon as you smoothly transition between heat maps of the North East. Next slide please.

Lie about your figures

If there’s one thing that women hate, it’s transparency. Whether it’s disease-related statistical projections or boasts about your sexual ability, the trick is to outline a shocking worst case scenario then come in way below that. Your date won’t mind you only lasting three minutes in the sack if you’ve already told her it’ll be a 20-second pump followed by a half-hour cry. Next slide please.

Keep your distance

You should always chat up women from a distance to reduce the risk of fatal respiratory failure. Two metres is the bare minimum, more is better. If you really want to stay safe, try shouting flattering comments across the street at them, eg. ‘Nice arse, darling.’ This always works for builders. Next slide please.

Bring two of your mates

I wish you could hear the hilarious bantz that Johnny Van Tam, Pat Vallance and I have in the government canteen after sinking a few cups of tea. I like to bring them both along on dates as wingmen, because nothing gets the ladies wetter than scientific corroboration between three men in their 50s. Next slide please.

Have a rule-of-three slogan

My latest catchy and slightly patronising rule-of-three slogan guarantees you’ll get somewhere with any bird: