Preparing three meals a day too much f**king work, mum tells kids

A MOTHER has told her children that making three meals a day is just too much work for her so they are going down to two. 

Emma Bradford has two children, each of which has specific dietary wants, and informed them yesterday that they can either stop eating breakfast, lunch or dinner, but they are no longer getting all three.

She explained: “From the moment you wake up you expect me to feed your fat, greedy faces until you fall asleep. And it’s just not sustainable.

“It’s not just like I’m sticking ready meals in the microwave. You want bolognese without the bolognese, casserole without bits, pasta bake like Lily’s mum makes, sandwiches in squares, triangles, circles, the moon on a f**king cocktail stick.

“Now school’s not taking the strain, I’ve barely cleaned up after one before I’m beginning the next and I can no longer be arsed with it.

“So I’m afraid you’re losing a meal and I’m gaining three hours a day to do whatever I like with. Perhaps that’ll make you eat what’s on your bloody plates.”

Son Kayden said: “I asked about snacks, and she pointed at a dead mouse the cat left on the step and said ‘snack on that, dickface.’ So that’s fairly clear.”

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How to piss off a minimum-wage worker

WANT to make someone’s life a misery? These pointers will make inflicting suffering on heroes of the pandemic who can’t answer back that much easier: 

Put stuff on the wrong shelf

Decided on your way to the checkout that you don’t want that £20 rack of ribs? Just dump it in the cereal aisle. Don’t worry about it not being refrigerated – some poor supermarket assistant can collect the now legally unsellable product and deal with it for you.

Split the bill ten different ways

Picture the scene: you’re out for a meal with friends. It’s late, all the other tables have left, and the waitress hands you the bill. Time to pass it round the whole group, and then a second time as you argue over whether Coleen eating six poppadoms means she technically had a starter.

Complain about the price of drinks

Where’s the joy in a pint if you can’t berate the bar staff about how much it costs? It’s surely them that set the prices, not some bloke at Greene King’s head office in Bury St Edmunds. If they try to explain, tell them you don’t like their attitude and demand to see the manager.

Order a needlessly complicated coffee

Speaking of overpriced beverages, why not nip into your local coffee shop and demand a three pump, triple shot, skinny double cream latte with vanilla syrup served extra hot? If they forget a single element of your three-page recipe you get the drink for free. That’s the law.

Piss cleaners about

The cleaner needs to do the kitchen, but why should you be inconvenienced? Stand by the office coffee machine for twenty minutes taking a pointless, meandering phone call. Don’t bother responding if she talks to you – anything you say will only be condescending and offensive because that’s the wanker you are.