Vegan spends 90 per cent of time trying to catch out other vegans

A VEGAN spends 90 per cent of his waking hours policing other vegans for dietary infractions, he has confirmed. 

Thom Logan, who has been a vegan longer than anyone else, suspects all other vegans of secretly not being vegans when he is not looking and is determined to expose their hypocrisy once and for all.

He said: “Had some chocolate did you? What brand? What bar? Yeah that one’s alright. For now.

“You’d be surprised how many products there are that vegans, or call themselves that, think are okay but actually contain animal products. Or dairy. Don’t think you can sneak dairy past me.

“No you don’t get ‘cheat days’. If you even once let a Crinkly Veg crisp pass your lips – prepared with whey, murderer – you are not a vegan and have never been a vegan.

“I personally have stopped six people claiming to be vegans who were false vegans lying about being vegans. And I will never rest.”

Donna Sheridan said: “Thom caught me drinking orange juice fortified with Omega-3 from fish oils. Now I have to have sausages for tea and bacon sandwiches at the weekend.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Parents who ban 'screen time' unaware they are raising a twat

PARENTS who have banned their child from ‘screen time’ do not realise that they are raising a twat.

Tom and Helen Booker do not allow their son to look at phones, tablets, laptops or televisions in the belief that these privations will somehow turn him into a genius.

However, the Bookers are unaware that he is far more likely to become an unbearable arsehole.

Tom Booker said: “We don’t allow Henry to watch anything at all after watching three TED talks about popular culture. We even have special blinkers for when he goes past Dixons’ window.

“This way when his peers are talking about Cars 3 he will be able to tell them about acorns or beetles.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Sadly, at this point Henry is a ticking time-bomb. Unless he starts watching Peppa Pig immediately he will be an arse by the time he is five, and an unbearable twat by the age of seven.”