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We ask you: what twatty slogan have you got on your barbecue apron?

IT IS oppressively hot, so time to stand over sizzling fat on a red-hot grill while wearing a twat’s apron. But what’s the slogan on yours? 

Julian Cook, broker: “FILL ME GRILL ME BIG BOY. It’s a satire on the patriarchy.”

Tom Booker, traffic warden: “I’ve got LICENSED TO GRILL, YOU ONLY FRY TWICE, THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GRILL, and for vegan events QUORNTUM OF SOLACE.”

Wayne Hayes, psychiatric nurse: “BACK ONCE AGAIN WITH THE GRILL BEHAVIOUR. I work the decks and the barbecue simultaneously. I ruin a lot of records.”

Emma Bradford, boiler fitter: “GRILL, INTERRUPTED. Because as well as loving smoked brisket I have long-standing adorable mental health issues.”

Lucy Parry, student: “THE BARBECUENHEIMER. It’s vintage 2023.”

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28 Years Later follows zombies at awkward reunion event

NEW film 28 Years Later follows the zombies from the original 2001 film meeting for the first time in almost three decades to discuss how they are all getting on. 

Zombies who were part of the first movie have answered a post on their Facebook group and gathered in a motorway hotel outside Watford to reminisce about that time Cillian Murphy whacked them in the head with a baseball bat.

Reviewer Jordan Gardner said: “It’s a very different film from the first. Seeing zombies queue for an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet really draws out their humanity.

“We follow Derek, played by Jim Broadbent and who was a window installer before he got infected, meeting up with all the rest of the gang who overran that house in Deptford. laughing about all the energy they used to have for tearing the living limb from limb.

“‘God, remember when we used to run screaming after them,’ he says to his similarly middle-aged, overweight undead friends, ‘not giving a shit about their machine guns. Imagine that now! It’s a bother getting up after a nap.’

“It turns out none of them have really done anything with their crazed, feral afterlives, they’ve all settled into boring suburban deer-disembowelling routine, and Derek begins an affair with Connie even though they both know it can’t go anywhere.

“‘Don’t I deserve the chance to be happy?’ he says, jaw hanging off.”

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