You can eat pancakes any day of the year, says man who doesn't

A MAN pointing out that you can have pancakes whenever you want only eats them on pancake day. 

Julian Cook, aged 35, always reminds everyone that pancakes are a delicious and versatile treat all year round, for all the world as if he had them on any other occasion but this.

Cook continued: “The French call them crêpes. The Dutch eat them twice a week. But the benighted British? Once a year.

“As I always remind everyone on the exact day before Shrove Tuesday, pancakes are great. Personally I’d eat them all year round if I could but I’m training for a marathon.

“It’s like only eating bread once a year, or pigs-in-blankets, or bonfire toffee. Why be held a prisoner by the calendar?”

Colleauge Donna Sheridan said: “He was like this with fireworks until he let off an Excalibur multishot barrage firework in February and the council slapped him with an abatement notice.”

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Royals the fags are more royal than you, Queen tells Harry

THE Queen has informed the Duke of Sussex that Royals the king-sized cigarettes are more royal than he and his tart will ever be. 

Her Majesty, talking to her grandson on a transatlantic phone call, went on to list a number of other household products that have more right to call themselves ‘royal’ than he does.

She said: “You remember the fags? You got 25 in a packet. They’re properly royal. You’re not.

“Also there’s Royal Canin the dry dog food, Royal Gala apples, the Royal Jelly bath stuff you get at Boots, Royal Doulton the china and the Royal Rumble wrestling event famously won by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

“Then there’s all the ‘By Royal Appointment’ shops and all the stuff I slap my crest on in return for a few free pallets a year, from Gordon’s Gin to Golden Syrup.

“However what is not royal, not in the slightest, is you. Or your actress. You are less royal than anything I’ve mentioned. You are less royal than the Theatre Royal in Bury St Edmunds.

“Enjoying Canada? Nice isn’t it, I own it. Bye.”