A COMPLETE bastard is still comfortably fitting into the clothes he wore before he stuffed his face during Christmas, it has been confirmed.
Despite having sat on his sofa for over a week and done nothing except gorge on cheese and Pringles, Tom Booker’s friends and colleagues are outraged to notice he is not bulging out of his clothes.
Friend Nikki Hollis said: “This is bullshit. I only treated myself to a thin slice of Christmas cake and I’ve put on six pounds. How the f**k has Tom feasted his way into a trim, slender physique?
“I asked if he’s joined the gym and he just laughed and shook his head. Maybe pigs in blankets and roast potatoes do wonders for your metabolism if you eat them in vast quantities while watching Ghosts?”
Co-worker Jack Browne said: “I was looking forward to returning to work purely to see Tom’s muffin top spilling over his trousers. But he’s gone and got the year off to a shit start by daring to be lean, the prick.
“I just want a button to ping off his shirt when he leans over, is that too much to ask? It’s not like I want his arteries to pack in or anything serious like that.”
Booker said: “I guess I’m blessed with good genetics. My cocaine addiction probably helps, too.”