Bastard's clothes still fit

A COMPLETE bastard is still comfortably fitting into the clothes he wore before he stuffed his face during Christmas, it has been confirmed.

Despite having sat on his sofa for over a week and done nothing except gorge on cheese and Pringles, Tom Booker’s friends and colleagues are outraged to notice he is not bulging out of his clothes.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “This is bullshit. I only treated myself to a thin slice of Christmas cake and I’ve put on six pounds. How the f**k has Tom feasted his way into a trim, slender physique?

“I asked if he’s joined the gym and he just laughed and shook his head. Maybe pigs in blankets and roast potatoes do wonders for your metabolism if you eat them in vast quantities while watching Ghosts?”

Co-worker Jack Browne said: “I was looking forward to returning to work purely to see Tom’s muffin top spilling over his trousers. But he’s gone and got the year off to a shit start by daring to be lean, the prick.

“I just want a button to ping off his shirt when he leans over, is that too much to ask? It’s not like I want his arteries to pack in or anything serious like that.”

Booker said: “I guess I’m blessed with good genetics. My cocaine addiction probably helps, too.”

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Woman spends date pretending she didn't already know everything from online stalking

A WOMAN has given an Oscar-worthy performance of interest when being told things about her date that she had already learned from social media.

Donna Sheridan matched with Nathan Muir on Tinder and asked him out for a drink to ‘get to know each other’ despite having already looked through his Facebook photo albums all the way back to 2011.

Sheridan said: “I prefer to meet up with someone in real life rather than spending ages chatting online, but obviously I had to do my due diligence first.

“Nathan’s Facebook profile was quite sparse after 2018, so I used the basic facts I gleaned from it to find his LinkedIn. That was a real treasure trove of information, but I had to remember to feign surprise when he told me about his recent promotion.

“I did slip up when I asked how his mum got into ceramics, as he hadn’t told me that yet. I think I managed to cover my tracks by saying he ‘seemed like he had creative blood’. Ridiculous in retrospect, but he was vain enough to buy it. I must remember to clear her Etsy pottery shop from my search history, though, just in case.

“Is it over the top? No. I just needed to check he wasn’t a total weirdo. There are some odd people out there, you know.”