Britain finds curved croissants sexually confusing

THE UK has admitted that it finds curved croissants too sexually ambiguous to eat.

Tesco has removed the serpentine pastries from sale after one too many customers threw their croissant to the ground screaming “AM I STILL A MAN?!” after trying, and failing, to take a bite.

Psychologist Dr Helen Archer said: “A curved croissant invites penetration but demands immersion, covering the eater’s face in crumbs, in butter, in jam in a gustatory act of submission.

“To eat a curved croissant is to call oneself a puff, which is why most end up being punched hard and then their remains licked guiltily off a fist, while weeping.”

Stephen Malley of Colchester said: “It made me think things.

“From now on I’m sticking to foods I understand, like stuffing endless thick, fat chips down my eager throat or gorging on bangers and mash.”

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Scottish people refer to all fizzy drinks as 'juice'

SCOTTISH people describe every fizzy drink as ‘juice’, despite no ‘juicing’ having taken place.

According to anthropologists, calling a can of cola or lemonade ‘juice’ is a long held Scottish tradition, possibly as a deliberate ploy to baffle English people.

Mary Baxter, a Scottish person living in London, said: “I asked my boyfriend to get me a can of juice on his way back from work and he brought me back some cranberry juice.

“What in the name of god is ‘cranberry juice’? I though it was perfectly clear that I wanted a can of Lilt.”

Scottish person, Bill McKay from Edinburgh, said: “Me and my wife stayed in a hotel down in Cornwall for our anniversary and on the breakfast menu it said ‘unlimited juice’.

“‘But there was no Irn Bru. They lied.”

English person Roy Hobbs said: “They are not the same as us.”