Britain Hit By Obscenity Epidemic

BRITAIN is in the middle of an obscenity epidemic with most people expected to be foul-mouthed ‘fuckers’ by 2050, according to latest government estimates. 

Will it be all 'cock' this and 'arse' that?

A combination of the increasing strength of popular curse words and the fact that nothing in this country shitting works anymore are believed to be the main causes of a recent rise in profanities.

As a result while the outbreak of a major world war 70 years ago would have led most Britons to say ‘bother’, a slow broadband connection will today result in a ten minute tirade ending in ‘fuck, piss, shit, wank’, scientists said.

Henry Brubaker, director of cursing at the Institute of Swearing, said that 48% of British adults were already clinically obscene, while 35% of under-fives had shouted ‘arse’ or ‘willy’ at their parents in the last six months.

He said: “If current trends continue the Queen will say ‘cock’ during her speech at the State Opening of Parliament in 2011, and children’s television favourite Blue Peter will be renamed Blue Arseing Peter next February.

“I was in Church on Sunday when the vicar said ‘beef curtains’. Only five years ago you would be lucky to get a ‘faggot’ or a ‘cocksucker’, and then only because it was a reading from the Old Testament. Bastarding twat shits.”

Maureen Moore, co-ordinator of the Framework for the Eradication of Language that Causes Harm (FELCH), said: “Swearing now poses a greater threat to the future of the planet than climate change, Microsoft and bad parking combined.”

But Bill McKay, head of policy for the Freedom to Utter Crap, Toss, Horse’s Arse and Twat (FUCKTHAT), said: “Bugger-tits.”