Britain Hit By Obscenity Epidemic

BRITAIN is in the middle of an obscenity epidemic with most people expected to be foul-mouthed ‘fuckers’ by 2050, according to latest government estimates. 

A combination of the increasing strength of popular curse words and the fact that nothing in this country shitting works anymore are believed to be the main causes of a recent rise in profanities.

As a result while the outbreak of a major world war 70 years ago would have led most Britons to say ‘bother’, a slow broadband connection will today result in a ten minute tirade ending in ‘fuck, piss, shit, wank’, scientists said.

Henry Brubaker, director of cursing at the Institute of Swearing, said that 48% of British adults were already clinically obscene, while 35% of under-fives had shouted ‘arse’ or ‘willy’ at their parents in the last six months.

He said: “If current trends continue the Queen will say ‘cock’ during her speech at the State Opening of Parliament in 2011, and children’s television favourite Blue Peter will be renamed Blue Arseing Peter next February.

“I was in Church on Sunday when the vicar said ‘beef curtains’. Only five years ago you would be lucky to get a ‘faggot’ or a ‘cocksucker’, and then only because it was a reading from the Old Testament. Bastarding twat shits.”

Maureen Moore, co-ordinator of the Framework for the Eradication of Language that Causes Harm (FELCH), said: “Swearing now poses a greater threat to the future of the planet than climate change, Microsoft and bad parking combined.”

But Bill McKay, head of policy for the Freedom to Utter Crap, Toss, Horse’s Arse and Twat (FUCKTHAT), said: “Bugger-tits.”

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Pub Lunches Cost £20 But Still Taste Of Dung And Sweat, Says Report

THE cost of the traditional British pub lunch has soared to £20 even though the basic ingredients of cow pats and chef sweat have remained the same, a major industry survey has revealed.

The report from the Pubs That Don't Stink of Piss Guide 2007 found that many of the UK's 'gastro-pubs' were making false claims about the nature of their dung.

Guide editor Bill McKay said: "An increasing number of menus offer organic, free-range dishes made from fresh local ingredients.

"But in most cases it's actually an imported cowpat that's simply been deep fried in lard that's less than a year old."

The Guide recommends that most British pubs should revert to a toasties-only regime for at least three years and that some should not even be allowed to sell crisps.

Speaking at the Old Bag in Minchinhamptonsteadbury, McKay said: "The ploughman's lunch is a British classic but it's so easy to get wrong.

"For instance, this may well have been a ploughman's lunch, but that was obviously sometime last week. Since then it has been through not only the ploughman but quite possibly his dog as well."

McKay added: "In most cases it's about pubs being too ambitious. Our advice is just – for the love of God – get the fucking scampi right before you attempt to leap the culinary Grand Canyon that is homemade fish-cakes."