Exercise is hilarious, says Death

DEATH finds the human obsession with exercise highly amusing, it has emerged.

Death said: “All this chitter chatter about low-impact, high-impact, yadda yadda.

“I’ll get you all just the same.

“Seeing you in your gymnasiums bouncing along on those machines, how stupid you look.

“Ha ha ha.”

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I've been inspired by the Pope to tell my boss to get f*cked

Dear Holly,

I’m thinking about taking inspiration from the Pope and telling my boss to go f*ck himself. If the big man can’t be bothered, why should any of the rest of us?



Dear Paul,

The Pope must be pretty special to be able to have ‘The’ as his first name – even more important than Madonna. But just because he’s a big star and best pals with God, he still needs money so he’ll probably have to go and work on the deli counter in Morrisons. He’ll be given a name badge saying ‘The’ on it, which will just look daft. The Pope will also get made to wear one of those hairnets to stop him contaminating the cold meats, and I expect he’ll find it difficult to stretch it over that weird pointy hat. Thinking more about it, he’ll probably start receiving complaints from customers because he can’t hear them through the toughened glass of his Pope-mobile, and when someone asks for half a pound of Yorkshire ham he’ll give them four Mini-Meltons by mistake. You can see why most Popes just stick with what they know best.

Hope that helps!