Fags good for you after all, say doctors

CIGARETTES are a health boon, according to doctors.

New research has discovered that all previous research was wrong, and doctors have announced that smoking is better for you than eating lots of fresh vegetables.

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “I’ve been a smoker for 20 years, and I’ve treated lots of smokers for illnesses that are in no way related to smoking, so I know all about this.

“Tobacco aids digestion, calms the mind and helps build strong muscles. I advise my patients to smoke whenever possible.”

Hospital doctors stressed that there was ‘”no fucking way” they were going to go off work premises to smoke cigarettes.

Heart specialist Roy Hobbs said: “Firstly, cigarettes are good for you, which is why pretty much all doctors smoke like World War I soldiers about to go over the top.

“Secondly standing in the rain to have a fag because your stupid boss has banned smoking shelters means you will get wet and then die of influenza.”

Doctors added that everything they used to say about smoking before the 1950s is accurate, and everything after that is bollocks.


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Gary Barlow: I really believe I can make everyone hate me again

IT’S been a long road for me, from the first Take That days through my wilderness years to being back with the boys on top of the world.

But I’ve kept myself together through it all because I truly believe, in my heart, that I can make everyone in the country hate me again.

Remember in the 1990s, when Gary Barlow was a universally derided joke? When I got dropped by my record company and ballooned to 34 stone in weight, a bitter, lonely recluse?

Those were the days. And, with the release of a new solo album and that advert with the meerkats, I think they’re on their way back.

It may sound egotistical, but I can feel the festering resentment out there from everyone who fell for the new humble, slimmed down me back in 2006.

And every time I destroy a dream on the X-Factor, using the platform given to me to stamp on a young hopeful’s fingers, it’s a little closer to breaking through.

It’s taken a lot of work. Organising that Diamond Jubilee concert sowed the first seeds of unease, and coming out as a grasping Tory really turned opinion-formers against me.

But it’s next year, when I release a new Take That album where I don’t allow the other boys to sing and kick Robbie Williams out of the band live on stage, that’ll really do it.

I can’t wait to stand in the middle of that stadium, tens of thousands of women booing as they realise what an utter prick I’ve been all along. I’ll be there, arms outstretched, basking in their hatred.

And then I’ll start on the pies.