Fitness tracker just a stupidly expensive albatross around man's wrist

A MAN’S fitness-tracking wristwatch has become the absolute bane of his life, he has admitted.

Nathan Muir made the confession while walking around his local Asda for the third time in an attempt to meet his daily step target.

Muir bought the device in an attempt to become mentally and physically healthy. Instead it has ruined all his relationships and isolated him from everything he formerly enjoyed.

Muir said: “I’m in a prison of my own making. Every day I wake up in the knowledge that I have to hit my goal, or else. I turned down a date last week because I hadn’t hit my goal. Yesterday I ran home behind my bus.”

Glancing at his wrist, he added: “Of course, I know it doesn’t really disapprove of me. I know that. It can’t. That would be crazy. Right?

“Anyway, I have to go. I need to climb three more flights of stairs before nine o’clock and I don’t want to find out what happens if I don’t.”

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Woman goes temporarily insane after losing phone in handbag for eight seconds

A WOMAN lost her mind after being momentarily unable to find her phone in her handbag, it has emerged.

Emma Bradford confirmed she could not find the phone for approximately eight seconds during which she went from puzzlement to raging panic and eventually raw, undiluted psychosis.

Bradford said: “It was a wild ride. When I realised it wasn’t among the hellish mess I thought, ‘well, that’s the end of that’.

“But then I went completely insane, tearing at the inside of the handbag like a wolverine. As five seconds became six seconds I realised my life was now a wretched wasteland.

“By the eighth second I no longer cared about the phone because it had been stolen by someone who was using it to buy Bitcoin and skunk, but inside my head I was still shouting ‘FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!’.

“And then I found it.”