EXERCISE rates among women have plummeted after doctors said talking and talking and talking all bloody day no longer counts.
For years thousands of women have claimed to follow a strict regime based on walking to a bar, picking up a heavy glass of white wine and then sitting down with a friend and flapping their indestructible gums without pause for breath.
But now doctors have warned that talking about the size of your buttocks for two hours is not the same as going for a jog.
Dr Tom Logan, head of buttocks at the Institute for Fitness, said: "Obesity is now the number one cause of conversation in the EU and North America.
"Since the mid-1990s the driving purpose of Western society has been to facilitate discussions between women about how fat or thin they currently feel.
"All television programming and advertising is designed to either sell something related to female self-image or to kick start a conversation about thighs.
"We recommend that women find a window between chats so they can actually get off their arses and do something about it instead of just talking and talking and talking until I develop an irresistible urge to get in my car and drive off a fucking bridge."
Dr Logan added: "Just shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up.