Frodo abandons quest to reach Covid testing centre

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.

After a wild party with housemate Sam Gamgee and a number of inebriated dwarves, Baggins developed a persistent cough and decided to get himself tested.

He said: “I logged onto the Middle Earth government website – not easy because Hobbiton is still on dial-up internet – and saw my nearest testing centre was 400 miles away.

“I’ve travelled through the dangerous land of Mordor, killed countless orcs and cast the One Ring into Mount Doom. But three trains and a rail replacement bus? I don’t think so. Where even is ‘Inverness’? Sounds made up to me.

“I courageously set off on my big hairy feet, but then I realised the testing centre would probably be shut and I wouldn’t ever get the results anyway. So I just went home.

“It’s not even me I’m worried about, it’s my older mates like Gandalf. Yeah, he acts young with all that weed he smokes, but let’s face it, he’s got a long, grey beard and a stick.”

Baggins has now decided to self isolate in his hobbit hole for two weeks, leaving The Shire in mortal danger from the dark forces of Sauron.

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How to really f**k people off when you have kids

IF you’re looking to lose a few friends then why not have a child or two? Try these foolproof techniques for pissing off friends and strangers.

Cancel plans at the last minute

Chances are that when you have ‘plans’ one of the kids will develop a raging temperature or puke all over you on the way out. Even if they aren’t sick you’ll say they are if you just can’t be arsed to go out.   

Take three days to reply to a text  

Every text you send now begins with ‘so sorry I thought I’d replied’ and a mention of some tedious kid-related distraction, eg. taking the hamster to the vet. Do this enough times and people will eventually stop bothering to text you at all.  

Hold up traffic 

Fail to notice the lights have turned green because you are arguing with a child about why they couldn’t have gone to the f**king toilet before you left the house. 

Wish your young kids happy birthday on Facebook 

Post long, gushy birthday messages to your three-year-old which he’ll never see because he is definitely not on Facebook. Follow this up with annual back-to-school photos that no one gives a shit about. 

Make your favourite topic of conversation how tired you are 

Whenever anyone asks how you are, use this as an opportunity to tell them how tired you are. No one in the history of humanity has ever given two shits about how tired someone else is, but do it anyway. Add plenty of yawns for extra effect.