Sunday, 1st November 2020

Frodo abandons quest to reach Covid testing centre

HOBBIT Frodo Baggins has given up on an epic journey to be tested for coronavirus shortly after leaving his underground home.

After a wild party with housemate Sam Gamgee and a number of inebriated dwarves, Baggins developed a persistent cough and decided to get himself tested.

He said: “I logged onto the Middle Earth government website – not easy because Hobbiton is still on dial-up internet – and saw my nearest testing centre was 400 miles away.

“I’ve travelled through the dangerous land of Mordor, killed countless orcs and cast the One Ring into Mount Doom. But three trains and a rail replacement bus? I don’t think so. Where even is ‘Inverness’? Sounds made up to me.

“I courageously set off on my big hairy feet, but then I realised the testing centre would probably be shut and I wouldn’t ever get the results anyway. So I just went home.

“It’s not even me I’m worried about, it’s my older mates like Gandalf. Yeah, he acts young with all that weed he smokes, but let’s face it, he’s got a long, grey beard and a stick.”

Baggins has now decided to self isolate in his hobbit hole for two weeks, leaving The Shire in mortal danger from the dark forces of Sauron.