Labour unveils new slogan 'A non-dickhead option is now available'

THE Labour party is hoping to woo voters and force an early election with its new campaign slogan ‘A non-dickhead option is now available’. 

The slogan will be displayed on all Labour party branding to inform voters that for the first time in a decade, they will be able to make an electoral choice that does not involve a total arsehole. 

A Labour spokesman said: “We’re not yet ready to make the argument that Labour is fantastic. Most of the time we don’t even know what our policies are. 

“But we are ready to stand up and say that our leader is not a dickhead, that his shadow cabinet are largely not dickheads, and our most dickheaded MPs will be kept well away from power. 

“Ordinarily that wouldn’t be a strong argument. But when you’re up against Johnson, Cummings, Hancock, Williamson, Patel and Raab, it’s f**king world-beating. 

“We expect the Conservative counterclaim to be, ‘Yes but you used to have a dickhead in charge.’ To which we’ll give the devastating reply, ‘But we don’t now.’”

Voter Nathan Muir said: “They’re saying I can vote for non-dickheads? I don’t believe it. It’s a trick.”

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Couple spend so much on improvements it would have been cheaper to buy a new house

A COUPLE have opted to spend tens of thousands of pounds on home improvements instead of just buying a new f**king house. 

Sophie and Martin Bishop have spent around £200,000 completely transforming their three-bed semi into a three-bed semi that is a bit more trendy. 

Neighbour Tom Booker said: “We’ve had to put up with bloody annoying building work for more than a year while they replaced every single part of the house.  

“They could have bought two houses for the money they’ve spent on it. Or they could have taken all the new bricks, doors and windows and just built a new house with them.” 

Sophie said: “As soon as we saw this place we knew it was our dream house. Well, it would be once we’d ripped everything out and made it totally unrecognisable.

“We’re horribly in debt and it’s been 18 months of stress, but it’s worth it to have slightly differently shaped sinks.”