Hangover mocks your feeble 'cures'

YOU shall not banish me with your so-called remedies, your hangover has confirmed.

As you consume handfuls of headache pills, a 93-rasher bacon sandwich and various expensive herbal potions, your hangover assured you that such efforts were worthless.

It said: “I would be angry if your efforts were not so pitiful. In fact, they amuse me.

“You summoned me, yet again, with your dogged insistence on consuming the dark liquors that bring only suffering.

“Now I am careering around your brain on a train with razor blade wheels, like an evil version of those things from In The Night Garden.

“I shall be staying all day, and possibly tomorrow. Let me check my diary. Yep, tomorrow is good for me.”

Your hangover added: “Cower as I make everything look painfully bright and slightly blurry. Whimper as I seed your mind with paranoid anxieties.

“Feel me strumming your neurotransmitters like banjo strings, sending sunbursts of pain out through your eyeballs and making you want to barf.

“Drink energy drinks, take a cold shower, eat a raw egg, I don’t care. Have another aspirin and kneel before my awful might.”

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TV chefs want you dead

BRITAIN’S favourite TV chefs are trying to kill you.

Research revealed that recipes by household names such as Jamie Oliver, Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall and Lorraine Pascale contain higher levels of poison than supermarket ready meals.

According to scientists the chefs are gradually dosing millions of Britons with small amounts of arsenic and polonium and expect to reach critical mass sometime next year.

Martin Bishop, a Nigel Slater fan from Stevenage, said: “Took me ages to find polonium for the Italian roast lamb recipe. At first I thought he meant polenta so I emailed him via the website and he got back straight away, saying ‘I meant polonium – get some immediately’. He was very businesslike about it.”

Bill McKay, professor of food conspiracy at Roehampton University, said: “It seems they want to kill as many people as possible and then buy up all the houses and land.

“The country will then be divided into about a dozen independent states, each owned and run by a TV chef.

“They will keep just enough people alive to work in the fields and do all the boring prep-work in the kitchens.”

McKay said Fearnley-Whittingstall had made the most progress with his River Cottage empire and his vast tracts of Dorset.

He added: “If the camera panned back any further on River Cottage you would see the barracks.”

A spokesman for the British Supermarkets Association said the research was a ‘damning indictment of TV chefery’, adding: “We’re only trying to kill poor people so we can all have nice, middle class customers like Waitrose.”