Friday, 4th December 2020

Has your cat got coronavirus or is it just an arsehole?

IF your cat is behaving in a strange, antisocial way, it may have coronavirus or could just be a selfish little bastard as usual. Take the test: 

Is your cat ignoring you despite the fact that you love them and provide for them?

A) Yes, and frankly it’s upsetting. Could it be ill?
B) No more than usual.

Is your cat eating normally?

A) No. For some reason it ate a plant out of the garden and made itself horribly unwell so now I’ve got a £400 vet’s bill.
B) Yes, in that it won’t touch Whiskas and will only eat super-expensive ‘gourmet’ food that I really can’t afford to keep buying.

Has it been coughing?

A) Yes, I did notice it gave a little cough earlier. I said ‘Are you okay?’ and it stared at me icily then left the room.
B) Yes, it coughed several times then barfed up a load of stinking furballs and vomit on the carpet.

Has your cat gone off its favourite activities?

A) Yes, it hasn’t been leaving eviscerated bird corpses under cushions on the sofa like something out of a horror movie.
B) Yes, it hasn’t been coming for cuddles to show its deep affection for me. Which admittedly isn’t its favourite activity but it did happen once, in 2018.

Is it keeping itself to itself?

A) Yes, it’s been asleep under the bed for seven hours, making me wonder why I bother.
B) No, it lavishes affection on total strangers while acting as if I don’t exist.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: Your cat MAY have coronavirus, but frankly it’s hard to tell because they’re manipulative, self-centred, lazy, disloyal little bastards with disgusting habits and a sinister interest in torture and murder.

Mostly Bs: See above.