KNOWING what to say to would-be parents going through fertility treatment can be difficult. They’ll appreciate these sensitive, thoughtful questions:
‘Have you thought about shagging other people?’
Being in the midst of emotionally draining medical treatments can mean you can’t see the woods for the trees. So it may not have occurred to your friend that if her husband’s sperm is weak she could always get pregnant with a proven father, like Gary from the recruitment team. Or if she’s the problem, her husband could have sex with her sister?
‘Are you worried because my uncle did IVF, and my cousin’s a prick?’
Not all stories of test tube babies end happily. For example, your ‘miracle baby’ relative Michael litters, parks in disabled spaces even though he doesn’t have a blue badge, and has a tattoo of Paul Walker from the Fast & Furious films. That can only be because he wasn’t conceived naturally.
‘Do you get to choose their hair colour?’
There are rumours that Elon Musk has kids via IVF so he can make sure they’re boys, which logically means all IVF people are the same. Fishing for the right genetic preferences, like strawberry blonde hair or big naturals, could be why your mate and his wife are doing their third round this month.
‘Who’s got the problem?’
Normally only one of them has tailless sperm or dodgy eggs, so it’s worth investigating whose genitalia has been cursed by God. Then you know who to side with if it doesn’t work out.
‘Is this just because you want twins?’
Twins are fun, freaky and the four-leafed clover of reproduction so if your mates have the cash and are looking to double up and get it all over with quicker, you salute their efficiency. If they want to keep trying until they get quintuplets you wouldn’t judge them. In fact you might borrow them to show off in the park.
‘Have you considered adopting?’
It’s perfectly possible that two prospective parents have never realised there are loads of unwanted kids out there and they don’t even cost anything. There’s probably still time to cancel their deposit on the egg retrieval, if they’re quick.
