Healthy breakfast eater’s life still shit

OFFICE worker Tom Logan’s life is still shit despite him eating a nutritious breakfast every day.

Logan claims his commitment to eating a breakfast packed with fresh fruit and nourishing whole grains has done nothing to improve his miserable existence.

He said: “People always stress the importance of a healthy breakfast as if eating a few bits of fruit is some magical elixir of happiness.

“But I still work in commission-only telesales, spend every night sitting on my own in the pub reading spy books, and haven’t kissed a woman on the lips since 2007.

“I’ve got the same tedious routine, except I’m living it with a few more vitamins in my bloodstream. Certainly I’m no-one’s definition of a ‘winner’.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Breakfast’s ability to positively influence everything is wildly overrated. It’s just several handfuls of food you’d never consider eating at a more civilised time of day.

“The habit of eating porridge only came into existence because a tired woman mistook some oats for a cup of tea and poured milk onto them.

“The results were disgusting but she just shrugged and poured them down her throat because who gives a shit when you’re late for work.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The Daily Mail guide to making normal human behaviour creepy

FANCY insinuating that ordinary things people do are illicit, immoral and bad? The Daily Mail knows how. Try these: 

Couple having dinner?

Are they happy? Are they at crisis point? What’s their body language? Does looking f**ked off at paparazzi mean she’s issued a relationship ultimatum? There’s no way this could just be a meal out. They’re sending a signal. Something’s going on. Something wrong.

Woman on her own?

Popping to the post office? Alone? When she’s famous? Clearly a tragic, lonely, barren witch perpetually on the verge of breakdown and addicted to prescription drugs.

Foreigners on television?

If they’re dancing happily at the Duchess of Cambridge, lovely. If they’re dancing happily at Meghan, less lovely but don’t admit why. If they’re presenting the news or winning a reality television baking programme, it’s that political correctness. Gone mad.

Woman wearing dress?

Frame her as being brave, and pile on further stinging compliments like ‘curvy’, ‘generous’ and ‘VERY relaxed look’. Also focus excessively on her ‘sideboob’ as if it’s the most important thing about her.

Older man with younger woman?  

Leer over how affectionate they are with each other, detail his failed marriages and linger over her youthful limbs, using words like ‘nubile’ and ‘shapely’. Never bother printing a correction that they’re father and daughter.


If she was innocent, she wouldn’t have left the house.