OFFICE worker Tom Logan’s life is still shit despite him eating a nutritious breakfast every day.
Logan claims his commitment to eating a breakfast packed with fresh fruit and nourishing whole grains has done nothing to improve his miserable existence.
He said: “People always stress the importance of a healthy breakfast as if eating a few bits of fruit is some magical elixir of happiness.
“But I still work in commission-only telesales, spend every night sitting on my own in the pub reading spy books, and haven’t kissed a woman on the lips since 2007.
“I’ve got the same tedious routine, except I’m living it with a few more vitamins in my bloodstream. Certainly I’m no-one’s definition of a ‘winner’.”
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Breakfast’s ability to positively influence everything is wildly overrated. It’s just several handfuls of food you’d never consider eating at a more civilised time of day.
“The habit of eating porridge only came into existence because a tired woman mistook some oats for a cup of tea and poured milk onto them.
“The results were disgusting but she just shrugged and poured them down her throat because who gives a shit when you’re late for work.”