Homeopathy to cure itself

HOMEOPATHY will have eradicated itself by 2032, it has been confirmed.

Experts believe that the trend for little bottles of water that has been shaken about a bit will gradually decline as people realise it does nothing.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Homeopathy is based on the principle that like cures like, which is actually pretty robust when applied to homeopathy.

“For example if you’ve bought a bottle of liquid with a picture of a flower on it only to find it doesn’t cure your crippling anxiety attacks, you probably won’t bother again.”

However homeopath Emma Bradford disagreed: “Like mumps, homeopathy will adapt and survive.

“For example we could start calling it ‘space water’ or pretend it is the urine of fairies. Or make homeopathic furniture that is desirable because it has been near other, nicer, furniture.

“I’m making this up as I go along, so you see the possibilities are endless.”

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Original ‘hat bellend’ to sue Pharrell

JAY Kay from Jamiroquai is to sue Pharrell for copying his ‘overconfident bellend in a massive hat’ brand.

Jay Kay said: “Titting around in oversized headgear while also wearing a little half-smile is very much my thing.

“It brought me wealth, fame and a three-year relationship with Denise Van Outen.

“Before I came along in the mid-nineties, there was absolutely no market for a man in a stupid fucking hat acting like he’s the bollocks.”

Jay Kay’s lawyer, Norman Steele QC, said: “In addition to paying out $7 million in damages to my client, I will also be insisting that Mr Williams reduce the enormity and flamboyance of his headgear.

“A trilby would be acceptable but not in any fancy colours.”