How to tell your friend you're leaving their bubble

HAVE you formed a bubble with a friend but now want to switch bubbles to a different, better friend? Break the news gently: 

It’s not you, it’s your household

Explain that you absolutely love your friend and have complete trust in their Covid risk level, but sadly you can’t say the same for their household. Blame a Daily Mail-reading parent, a housemate who follows Piers Corbyn on Twitter, or if all else fails, their cat.

No bubble lasts forever

Bubbles are brief, ephemeral things, and while you’ll always treasure your time in a shared bubble it must burst and a new bubble must form. It’s nature’s way and there’s no sense trying to fight it.

This bubble’s suffocating me

We entered this bubble so quickly and it’s got so stale in here it feels like neither of us can move anymore. We need some time out of the bubble to be sure that bubbling together is what we both really want.

There are so many other bubbles out there

It’s wrong to restrict ourselves to one bubble when there are so many beautiful, iridescent bubbles floating on the wind. We’ll probably both gain a lot from bubbling with other people just for a while, just to see what it’s like.

I’m definitely not joining another bubble straight away

No way. I wouldn’t disrespect the bubble we shared by doing that to you. So if it looks like I’m exercising in the park with someone else it’s just coincidence. Maintain social distancing and don’t come close enough to see who it is. I might have Covid.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to buy for six or seven or more kids this Christmas, by Boris Johnson

THERE are only 36 shopping days until Christmas is cancelled. Joking! But assuming it does happen, how does one go about shopping for an indeterminate number of kids? 

Buy in bulk

If you find it hard to nail down exactly how many children you’ve sired, play it safe this festive season and buy in bulk. Personally, I know I’ve got more than a polo team but less than an England Rugby Team. So ten presents is the sweet spot. Probably.

Buy cheap

Assuming you also have to get by on a pittance of £150,402 a year, you’ll be looking to save some money. Keep costs down by buying cheap things like chlorinated chicken from the US. If all else fails, buy Chinese, so long as you can overlook their litany of human rights abuses. Which I can.

Buy early

The most popular gifts sell out weeks in advance around the holiday season – just look at the scramble to buy a Playstation 5. So be sure to make a pre-emptive strike and order your copies of Lucretius’s On the Nature of Things before they get snapped up.

Remember name tags

You might not know their exact names, but I have a solution for that. Simply address the gifts to ‘Sport’, ‘Chum’ or ‘Sweetheart’. If you’re really struggling feel free to just put ‘To whom it may concern’ or take a punt on a ludicrously posh name like Inigo, Rafferty or Lavinia.

Try not to father any more kids while shopping

Don’t  get overwhelmed by lustful feelings and the powerfully erotic ladies garments in your local Harvey Nics and drag your other half off for a bonk in the disabled loo. The last thing you need is another child to buy for next Christmas.