I drink fewer than 14 units of alcohol a week, and other lies you tell your GP

DOCTORS ask a lot of difficult questions that make you feel like a chubby, ailing waster. Here’s how to lie your way to health.

I’ve completely given up smoking

Apart from when you’re drinking. Or when you’re stressed. Or a bit bored. And sometimes you nip out for one or two during the day as a break from work. Aside from that though, you’ve totally quit.

I drink fewer than 14 units of alcohol a week

Even though you regularly neck all 14 units and more on a single weeknight, it’s fine to fudge the details a bit when the doctor asks. Just mention having the occasional glass of wine, even though by ‘occasional’ you mean ‘most nights’ and by ‘glass’ you mean ‘bottle’.

I’m really into exercise

Feeling knackered because you took a moderately brisk walk around the park for 20 minutes doesn’t make you really into exercise, it makes you very unfit. However, it’s important to lie to the doctor and say you’re training for a 10k otherwise they’ll make you feel bad about yourself.

I have regular sexual health checks

Crabs? You could have 100 lobsters crawling around in your pants and you’d still be too embarrassed to consider asking someone to look at it. Your GP doesn’t need to know that though, so buy some questionable cream on the internet instead and never have sex again.

I’m definitely ill enough for a sick note

If you fancy a lengthy skive off work, a sick note is the best way of legitimately doing it, so this is a lie worth telling. Lay it on thick with your doctor on the phone, using a pathetically weedy voice, wait for the magic note to appear and kick back with Netflix for a fortnight.

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Paying for things while on the phone: crimes that deserve a 10-year jail sentence

THEY should be locking up the real criminals, and the real criminals are anyone guilty of these: 

Pushing in at the bar

Pubs are fun, and like everything fun they have a clearly outlined, if unwritten, set of rules to follow. People who push in should get a decade of porridge. Lax bar staff who can’t remember who was actually first are guilty too. They get 18 months as an accessory.

Paying for something whilst on the phone 

This astonishing lack of manners is a good reason to bring back hanging. Maybe that’s a bit extreme, so instead just 10 years for people who treat the human being behind the till like they don’t exist. In with the nonces you go.

Aggressively persistent cold callers 

Nuisance sales calls are bad enough, but the real scum are the ones who absolutely will not give up, trying to prolong the conversation to get their hooks into you or, even worse, your gullible old gran. Ten years is probably a bit lenient – let’s make it 30. 

Slow walking

Slow walkers are somehow worse than adults on scooters. Even when the streets are deserted, chances are you’ll get stuck behind someone shuffling along like a snail taking a Sunday stroll to buy a paper. Ten years should give them time to reflect on their crime. And no Playstation.

Music on the bus with no headphones

A familiar crime, but definitely worth a stint in chokey with no parole. And why do people who blare out music on public transport always listen to total shit? Luckily now they’ll have 10 long years to ask their cellmate at Wormwood Scrubs.