'It's only a cold so piss off,' says GP's answerphone

THE pre-recorded message on a GP’s answerphone has advised anyone who has symptoms of a seasonal cold to put the phone down and piss off. 

Patients attempting to book appointments have instead been told the symptoms of the common cold, told they are suffering from the common cold and told they are wasting the doctor’s valuable time.

The recording, which can barely hide its contempt, said: “Sore throat, swollen glands and runny nose, is it? Take two f**k offs and call me in the morning, dickhead.

“You come down with the sniffles this time every year, remember? And not once has it lead to any life-threatening health complications. You’ve just got to ride it out for a week without coming whining to me.

“There are patients with genuine illnesses, and you want to stagger in blasting out shotgun sneezes to be told to take paracetamol and get plenty of rest? Where’s your self-respect?

“Of course, if you are in fact dealing with something serious, then we’ll give you shit for not coming in sooner. Don’t like it? Go private. We won’t miss you.”

Patient Tom Booker said: “Straight to the point, no nonsense advice. I can see why they haven’t answered the phone since 2019.”

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'I didn't know you existed': How to avoid getting your colleagues anything from the shops

YOU need something from the shops, but you’re surrounded by hungry, bored colleagues waiting to put in detailed requests. Here’s how to avoid being their pack mule: 

Leave unannounced 

Best done as a series of drifts; casually drift over to the water cooler, then toward the door, then out and across to Tesco Express as if the wind had carried you. You’ll be freezing without your coat, but it’s better than doing Sandra from Resources’ weekly shop. Expect looks of betrayal from your colleagues who were busy working.

Fake a phone call

Take a call on your mobile and pretend it’s an emergency – childcare, sick dog, biological warfare attack on Wales – that you have to step outside to discuss. On return admit you were so distracted by the emergency you didn’t look up until you were in Costa, where you got yourself a latte and a BLT.

Move fast

‘Anything from the shop?’ you call from the door. By the time they look up it’s swinging and empty because the moment you asked the question you f**king ran, their cries of ‘A Red Bull and are you going to the place that does satay skewers?’ lost to the wind. Ideal for those averse to looking like a selfish prick but who don’t want to run errands.


Got back to the office to find a co-worker looking tearful and broken at your inconsiderate behaviour? Everyone’s had to stop work to comfort her, and you’ve arrived with a smoothie and a halloumi wrap? Put on an aghast, panic-stricken expression and lie ‘I did offer! You must have not heard me.’ Then watch them grapple with their sanity as you tuck in.

Never leave the office

Bring in a Tupperware. Announce that you are healthy and bringing down capitalism by no longer going to the shops at lunch. Remain a prisoner at your desk, eating peanut butter sandwiches from a stained container, waiting for the moment a colleague announces they’re off out and leaping in with the list of everything you need from the shops.

Never come back

Take everyone’s orders. Starbucks and Caffe Nero? No problem, you can do both. Hayley only likes Sainsbury’s paninis but Gavin wants M&S? You don’t mind. Emily’s got a cake that needs picking up and it’s only 15 minutes walk? Sure thing. Take the money, piss off and never, ever return. They’ll keep hoping for at least a week.