Key component of slimming Mediterranean diet is chain-smoking

THE crucial element of the southern European diet that keeps natives so attractively thin is not olive oil or leafy vegetables but endless cigarettes. 

Proponents of the Mediterranean diet claim emulating Spanish and Italian consumption of legumes, seeds and fruit will help you get skinny, but researchers have found their ceaseless consumption of Marlboro Lights has more to do with it.

Dr Helen Archer explained: “Northern Europeans lusting after sexy, olive-skinned Mediterraneans in skimpy swimwear have always wondered what their secret is. Turns out it’s fags.

“We experimented with two groups. One who ate nothing but sardines and artichokes in olive oil. The other who ate whatever the f**k they wanted and smoked four packs a day.

“By week three, the smokers would slip effortlessly among the bathing beauties on a St Tropez beach, while the healthy eaters were more Margate than Montpellier.”

“Turns out it’s not visiting the vegetable aisle but going to the counter that sells the scratchcards that does the trick. You die early, sure, but you die thin so who gives a shit?”

Sophie Rodriguez of Seville said: “Duh. All of my friends back home eat nothing but kebabs. The difference is they eat them between inhaling Camel Blues.”

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How to be dumb enough to get catfished

CATFISHING – being defrauded online by someone pretending to be something they are absolutely not – isn’t for everyone. Are you thick enough to fall for it? 

Believe without question

If you harbour doubt, you’ll never get catfished. When a stranger slides into your DMs claiming to be a former Angolan mercenary and male model who is now CEO of Albania’s largest boxmaking business, swallow it whole. Accept without question and you’ll soon be on the way to losing everything.

Give yourself completely

Most people would find it hard to forge a lasting bond of trust with someone they’ve never met or spoken to. Those sad, reality-bound individuals will never get catfished. Within weeks of meeting Lara, the Californian stock model and firefighting lumberjack, you must live for her communications. Helps to have little in your life to begin with.

Be ignorant of Google’s reverse image search

Google’s always launching products like Stadia or those glasses. How are you supposed to keep track of them? So when friends talk about ‘reverse image searching’ your treasured pictures of your Slovenian pro-basketballer boyfriend, shrug it off. Your love is too powerful to be restrained by technology.

Make excuses

Look, your Paraguayan girlfriend was going to Zoom, but her internet keeps going down! She keeps European hours because she works late as the top presenter on her nation’s home shopping channel! She can’t call you because of sky-high roaming tariffs! She’s definitely real!

Give generously

It’s not like you’re sending money to a stranger. You and Joon share a real bond, which is why it’s fine to send him cash – well, bitcoin – for his airfare, then a bit more for a dogsitter, then a bit more for his mother’s operation, then a loan you’ve taken out for his visa from South Korea. It’ll all be worth it when you see him. He’s stopped answering.

Still believe

You don’t care what people say. Okay, so the pictures weren’t real, but she’s shy. Okay, she no longer answers, but she’s busy. Okay, so six other people have fallen for the same scam, but that’s a coincidence. She’s real. And she’ll be here to explain this whole catfishing mix-up any minute now.