Livingtv Fans 'Already Dead' Say Docs

THE definition of the moment of death is to be redrawn to include anyone watching the cable television channel LivingTV, doctors announced last night. 

At the moment people are only classified as being dead when doctors decide that all activity in the brain has ceased or if it takes them longer than four minutes to complete the quick crossword in the Sun.

However, hospital tests confirm that this state of ‘brain death’ also occurs while watching Paranormal Egypt, Most Haunted, Just Jade and Extreme Celebrity Yo Yo Dieting, the doctors said.

Dr Wayne Hayes, head of medical ethics at the University of Dundee, said he would have no qualms about removing the vital organs of anyone who was sitting on a sofa viewing Britain’s Next Top Model, Grey’s Anatomy, or any of the later series of Will and Grace.

He said: “It is important we doctors have a strict definition of when a patient is dead so that we know when to start harvesting their organs. There is nothing worse than having to put someone’s brain back in after having taken it out, there is always one fiddly bit left on the side which you only discover after you’ve put the lid on and screwed it down.

“The advantage of this new system is the removal of all doubt. We can say with absolute certainty that all brain function has ceased once LivingTV is on. But we still have to move fast. There is no point harvesting a brain at the end of an episode of Extreme Makeover UK as by then it’s just useless.”

If latest redefinition of brain death proves successful there are plans to expand it further to include viewers of Richard and Judy on Channel Four, and then Richard and Judy themselves, although the latter would be preserved in specimen jars in a museum and not used as organ donors.

“The idea that Richard or Judy might live on in any way in another form is just to horrible to contemplate,” said Dr Hayes.

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People who know how to f**king park on brink of extinction

DRIVERS who can position their car in the middle of a parking space at a supermarket are sliding closer to extinction, conservationists have warned.

Research teams have recorded a sharp decline in numbers over the last decade, despite strenuous efforts to educate the public about how easy it is to just put your fucking car in the middle of a parking space.

Dr Tom Logan, head of species protection at the WWF, said: “There is a series of white lines separated by spaces roughly the same width as a car, plus a little bit more. Let’s think of that as the first Great Big Fucking Clue shall we?

“As we approach, we then have to ask ourselves: ‘do I park on the white line, do I straddle the white line or do I get my huge, chocolate-covered face out of my fat, greedy, unwashed arse and just put the fucking car in the middle of the fucking space?'”

Conservationists have blamed the crisis on a combination of poaching, loss of habitat and an unbelievable fucking selfishness by a bunch of total and complete bastards.

WWF warned that drivers who can park in the middle of a space will soon share the fate of people who knew not to park four feet from the fucking kerb, extinct since 1993.

Dr Logan added: “A fucking mountain gorilla could do this with its fucking eyes shut, but for some reason the average British motorist seems to think every car park in the world was made just for them.

“Or maybe they’ve heard that if they park on the white line Graham-fucking-Norton is going to jump out from behind a bottle-bank and send them on holiday to Orlando.

“Anyway, the point is we need more money.”