Man feels eye pain exactly 45 seconds after reading it's a coronavirus symptom

A MAN who has just read that ‘eye pain’ can be a symptom of coronavirus is beginning to feel the first twinges of eye pain. 

Martin Bishop read the story in Mail Online and, before a story he clicked about Michelle Keegan in a biker jacket and skintight leggings had even loaded, was already experiencing pain in both eyes.

He said: “Christ, my eyes. And I’d only just got my sense of taste and smell back from that story I read in The Times last week.

“I’ve had all the symptoms. Occasional slightly-above-average temperature, aches and pains, headaches, tight chest. They’re especially bad when I watch the news, or read terrifying stories the media won’t tell us on WhatsApp.

“No, I’ve not had the persistent dry cough but come on, there can’t be any doubt now. My eyes are killing me. I think this is that strain they’ve got in America. I’m calling 111 again.”

Friend Eleanor Shaw said: “Martin lives alone, hasn’t gone out in a month and is in a low-risk area. You can’t get coronavirus just by thinking about it really hard.”

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Man recreates music festival at home by wetting himself in a sleeping bag

A MAN has recreated the experience of attending a music festival in his own home by wetting himself in a sleeping bag.

Music lover Stephen Malley voluntarily lost control of his bladder whilst lying in a nylon cocoon in an attempt to make up for the fun he will be missing this year at events such as Glastonbury.

Malley said: “If you make a YouTube playlist of shit bands and wave goodbye to your dignity, there’s no reason you can’t enjoy the pleasures of a music festival from the comfort of your living room.

“Kipping in a North Face sleeping bag filled with my own lukewarm piss was the pinnacle though, so I built up to it by spending hours pointlessly refreshing the same webpage and then dragging my clothes through some mud.”

Festival organiser Tom Booker said: “Waking up swimming in your own urine is the highlight of the festival experience, and I’m glad Stephen isn’t letting coronavirus get in the way of living that dream.

“However, for campers who prefer a VIP experience I recommend drinking gin-based botanical cocktails instead of a three-litre bottle of White Lightning.”