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Man losing battle against arse crack hair

A HIRSUTE man is losing his battle against the endless encroachment of his arse crack hair, it has emerged.

Despite having repeatedly shaved, waxed and plucked the deepest crevices of his behind, Tom Booker has admitted he is powerless to stop the relentless growth of hair in his bumcrack.

He said: “It was slow to begin with. A few thin wisps started sprouting when I was a teen. Nothing to worry about, or so I thought.

“Over time though, my worst fears came true. What were once odd strands thickened into a matted strip of shaggy bristles. Reaching round for a quick scratch felt more like stroking a dog than touching human flesh.

“I’ve tried epilating my anal cleft, and even gave herbal remedies a go out of desperation, but nothing seems to work. Each morning I wake up with an itchy tress rustling between my butt cheeks, and in a cruel twist of fate the hair on my head keeps thinning.

“Doctors say I’ve got six months until my bum thatch spreads up my back and connects with my shoulder pubes. I’m thinking of using the little time I have left to run a marathon to raise awareness for this debilitating condition.”

Booker’s partner Emma Bradford said: “I’m so proud of Tom for bravely fighting his arse locks. Although if he doesn’t stop leaving hair all over the toilet seat soon I’ll happily have him put down.”

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I'm 60 with a Spotify Listening Age of 19. Here's how you can be like me

OLD man? Look again, because according to my Spotify Wrapped, I am a svelte and fresh-faced 19. Here’s how you can get a musical age in the tantalising teens:

Music is cyclical

Instead of listening to comfortable 80s rock, why not listen to Chappell Roan? She paints her face like KISS, belts it out like Heart and the cheesy guitar solo at the end of Pink Pony Club is the equivalent of anything by Def Leppard’s Phil Collen. Plus it’s about finding true joy by being a stripper! Ignore the gay bits and that’s hair metal city.

Think sexually

But – and this is where you’ll have to stretch yourself – from the lady’s side of the bed. Because while there’s a sorry dearth of men boasting about their conquests in song, today’s young women are sex-crazed. Slap on a Sabrina Carpenter or Lola Young track about giving it up to the wrong guy, imagine yourself as him and you’re laughing.

Don’t trust your memory

Men try to reduce their Spotify age by streaming recent acts. Unfortunately getting older means your mind plays tricks, and they consider the likes of Notorious BIG, the Kooks and Fatboy Slim to be recent when actually they’re somewhat older. Spotify has loads of lists of new music; just put those on indiscriminately. But how will you stand it? Next point.

Other voices, other rooms

Who says you have to be in the same room you’re streaming in? Especially when you’ve got a multi-room Sonos set-up, like I have. Simply set Rap Caviar or K-Pop ON! streaming in the kitchen while you play Shades of Deep Purple on 180 gram vinyl. Your listening age is reducing by the minute while you’re vibing to real music.

Remember the remaster

What about when you’re out and about? Then deluxe versions, remasters and box sets are your friends. Springsteen’s seven-album Tracks II may comprise unreleased gems going back to the 1980s, but it only came out this year so it’s as 2025 as Sombr. Be up to the minute while mired in the past and it’s all on noise-cancelling cans. Nobody will know.

Grin and bear it

There are times when no substitute will do. When you’ve picked her up for the date and the leather seats in your BMW are crying out for Dire Straits? That’s when you play FKA Twigs. ‘Yeah, Eusexua?’ you’ll say, casually, ‘So much better now she’s updated the track order.’ And just like that, you’re Spotify Listening young.

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