Men in public toilet only washing hands because someone's looking

TWO men in a public toilet have each had to make a big display of washing their hands just because there was someone else there. 

Tom Logan and Stephen Malley, each of whom would normally piss and run like normal men, found themselves turning from the urinals at the same time and felt pressured into adhering to basic standards of hygiene.

Logan said: “Oh Christ, he’s using soap. Fucking germophobe.

“I only had a quick slash and now my hands are all unnecessarily wet and it’s cold out.

“Seriously, he’s using the Dyson Airblade? And now I have to queue up behind him like I don’t just wipe my hands on my jeans.”

Malley said: “What a rigmarole for nothing, all to not be judged by a complete stranger I’ll never see again.

“Washing my hands. What a massive waste of time. They’ll only get dirty and covered in urine again.”

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People who say 'there's no such thing as bad weather just bad clothing' wrong

EXPENSIVE technical wear has turned mild-mannered ramblers into delusional maniacs unable to tell the difference between good and bad, it has been confirmed.

Bad clothing wearer Wayne Hayes said: “I’d gone for a walk in the Peak District when the weather turned and I was left trembling in a crevice thinking ‘shit, my Mum’s going to choose my funeral music’.

“Then a figure cloaked head-to-toe in luminous Gore-Tex-Pro swished towards me with a confidence that jarred with the fact he looked like a walking bollard.

“My first thought was ‘who’s this prick?’ But, terrified for my life, I feebly uttered ‘terrible weather eh?’.

“He replied ‘there’s no such thing as bad weather..,’ as the rain slid off his weatherproof hood directly into my eyes.”

Hayes added: “It was then that I strangled him, stole his jacket and sheltered till morning, repeating the mantra ‘there’s no such thing as good and evil, just twats in Gore-Tex Pro asking for it’.”