Men warned over loom penis bands trend

THE trend for men wearing woven elastic bands around the penis is affecting male health, experts have warned.

Loom penis rings is a craft craze among men aged 18-54 where a loop of eye-catching elastic bands is worn around the base of the reproductive organ.

41-year-old Roy Hobbs said: “All the guys at work are into loom cock bands because they look so pretty and awesome. It’s an expression of individuality and you can swap them with friends.

“But after wearing one for a solid week I noticed that my penis felt numb and had a purplish hue.

“Doctors wanted to cut off my loom band but I wouldn’t let them because it took me six hours to make.

“Ultimately my member went bad and fell off in the bath.”

Doctor Mary Fisher said: “Men love to join in childish crazes, like cycling. But remember that no amount of adornment can make the penis look anything other than disgusting.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Airlines admit their cockpits are full of weird shit

AIRLINES have urged passengers not to pry into what happens inside the cockpit once the door is closed.

“I have a seahorse in my underpants”

As it emerged a Flybe pilot landed his plane after his false arm came loose, the airlines said that cockpits are ‘magical places beyond the reach of international law’.

A source at a major British carrier said: “We have one pilot who refuses to fly without his pet chickens.

“Most of the chickens just hop around inside the cockpit, treading on important buttons and switching the engines on and off.

“But there’s one chicken that spends the entire flight with its face pressed up against the windscreen.”

Another source said: “We’ve got a flight crew that puts on full scuba gear and then pumps the cockpit full of shaving foam.

“And another one of our pilots waits until he is at cruising altitude and then sets up a charcoal barbecue. He says the cabin pressure gives the marinade a bit more ‘oomph’.”

The source added: “You’re right to be worried. The ‘automatic pilot’ is more of a marketing thing rather than an actual thing.”