Middle class children exposed to dangerous levels of sourdough

MIDDLE class children are in danger of regarding sourdough bread as normal, experts have warned.

The rise of fermented yeast has surpassed predictions, stoking fears that the next generation of middle class people will end up living in a no man’s land of over-priced artisan nonsense.

Yeast researcher Eleanor Shaw said: “Yesterday I was in a cafe and a child of four requested a smashed avocado sourdough toastie.

“These Noahs and Evas will never know the simple pleasure of chomping down on a Kingsmill sliced loaf, let alone a jam sandwich on Mighty White.”

Campaigners are now calling for fancy-pants bakeries to be subject to strict regulations, warning that a generation of middle class children could develop lifelong attitude problems.

Shaw added: “Some of these sourdough loaves cost up to £4.50. Who wants to raise their child in a world where bread is the preserve of the smug, overpaid tosspot?”

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Brexiter who talks about ‘sunlit uplands’ reminded he sounds like a psychopath

A BREXIT supporter who thinks Britain is entering the ‘sunlit uplands of a golden age’ has been reminded that it makes him sound insane.

Friends have told Martin Bishop that while it is okay to be upbeat about things, using phrases such as ‘bright new dawn’ is, at best, extremely weird behaviour.

Bishop’s friend Tom Logan said: “If we’re lucky economic growth and unemployment will be roughly the same, public services will continue to be rather patchy and we’ll all just trundle along and make the best of it.

“But, either way, who the fuck actually talks like that?

“If Britain’s future trading arrangements with the European Union make you go all misty eyed and poetic then you might want to consider the possibility of professional help.”

Logan added: “Martin, seriously mate, either sort it out or just keep it to yourself. You sound like a lunatic.”